Articles by John Sharry
My preschooler has nightmares and night time tantrums
Parent Question:Our son has just turned four and has, over the last six weeks, stopped using his dummy and moved into his own bed, instead of the cot. However, in the last two weeks he was sick with flu and was having nightmares and so we have been letting him into the bed with us. … Continue reading My preschooler has nightmares and night time tantrums
How can I help my child with rejection sensitivity?
Parent QuestionMy son is 11. He’s autistic and very bright. I’m wondering if you have any advice on helping him with rejection sensitivity. While he doesn’t have a lot of the sensory issues often associated with autism, he is extremely self-conscious, gets very upset by perceived criticism, can’t take correction, and finds it hard if … Continue reading How can I help my child with rejection sensitivity?
Is my 11 year old burnt out from school?
Parent Question:My 11-year-old son is in sixth class and hates going to school. He is always reluctant to go in the morning and there is often tears before I finally persuade him out the door. He is also constantly complains of being tired, especially when he comes in from school and he has to lie … Continue reading Is my 11 year old burnt out from school?
At what age should I give my child a mobile phone?
Question:My daughter was 12 last week and she is already starting to pester me about getting a mobile phone. She sees her older sister on her phone all the time and thinks she deserves one. Also, it seems one of her classmates got one over the summer and this has added to the pressure. Her … Continue reading At what age should I give my child a mobile phone?
My 12 year old has been dropped by her friends
Parent Question:My 12-year-old daughter used to happily belong to a friendship group of five other girls. Over the past few weeks they seem to have dropped her and it is breaking her heart. There is one girl who sees herself as the “leader” who seems to be behind it. My daughter had some sort of … Continue reading My 12 year old has been dropped by her friends
Emetophobia: How to help my daughter’s phobia of vomiting?
Parent Question: My daughter has a phobia of being sick. It is totally consuming her and our lives. She is such a loving girl, but this is all we talk about as she needs constant reassurance she won’t vomit. Please help. Answer: A fear of getting sick or vomiting, also known as emetophobia, is much … Continue reading Emetophobia: How to help my daughter’s phobia of vomiting?
My son says he hates himself
Parent Question: My little boy, who is six, is an only child. He is very lovable, kind, intelligent, strong-willed, but he tends to lack self-esteem. He tends to self-loathe and often says he hates himself. He doesn’t accept praise without putting his negativity on it. He gets so easily defeated too and says he feels … Continue reading My son says he hates himself
My 5 year old is soiling his pants.
Parent Question: My (almost) five-year-old is very capable and bright. But for 18 months now he frequently finishes the day with a smear of poo in his pants or having wee’d himself. He doesn’t say anything to anyone. And even when he gets that “faraway” look in his eyes that means he is soiling himself. … Continue reading My 5 year old is soiling his pants.
Is my quiet 10 year old girl autistic?
Parent Question:Though she can be chatty with us at home, my 10-year-old daughter has always been very quiet when she is out socially and when she is in school. When she was a preschooler she was diagnosed as selectively mute and we took her to see a speech therapist and a play therapist, both of … Continue reading Is my quiet 10 year old girl autistic?
My son won’t follow rules
Parent Question:My seven-year-old son is very defiant. It is particularly problematic in extracurricular activities. Initially, I thought it was related to physical activities only, which would be understandable as he has a mild physical disability which results in fatigue. However, he is also defiant with his music teacher and won’t follow the basic rules of … Continue reading My son won’t follow rules
My son’s father is not meeting up with him
Parent Question: My son’s father is not spending time with our 11-year-old son regularly. How do I explain this to my son?My ex has a history of multiple mental health issues. When we all lived together my son experienced those periods where depression caused his dad to withdraw. I tried to protect him from the … Continue reading My son’s father is not meeting up with him
My 10 year old girl says she is fat
Parent Question:My 10-year-old girl tells me she thinks she is fat. I try to reassure her and tell her she is lovely as she is, but I think she still ruminates and worries about it. One time she told me that she thinks she needs to go on a diet and I told her not … Continue reading My 10 year old girl says she is fat
My autistic five-year-old won’t use the toilet
Parent Question:My five-year-old son is autistic and started school this year. He has a SNA (special needs assistant) and has settled well in school. He is learning and is happy to go, so we are pleased with this. The problem we have is over toileting — he has never once used a potty or a … Continue reading My autistic five-year-old won’t use the toilet
My five-year-old daughter is too bossy with her friends
Parent Question:My five-year-old daughter can be really bossy with her friends. When they come over on a play date, she tries to organise everything, choose all the games and tell them what to do all the time. I sometimes see the other children bristling in response to her and I am worried that she will … Continue reading My five-year-old daughter is too bossy with her friends
My five-year-old is so negative about everything
Parent Question:My five-year-old boy is so negative about everything and I don’t know how to deal with it. He starts every day with “I hate school”, this continues to hating whatever breakfast is, and then hating walking to school (including the route). He defaults to hating everything. I have banned the word hate in the … Continue reading My five-year-old is so negative about everything
My nine-year-old is mean is moody and mean to her sister
Parent Question: My nine-year-old girl is moody, so much so it affects the balance of our family of six. She is our eldest and I’m always on edge as to what her mood will be. I find as a mother I don’t like her at times. Don’t worry I don’t show this, but I do … Continue reading My nine-year-old is mean is moody and mean to her sister
My 12-year-old is finding it hard to sleep
Parent Question:My 12-year-old is finding it hard to sleep at night. This mainly started in the last six months and has got much worse over the summer. He seems to get stressed and worried at bedtime, and can toss and turn and find it hard to sleep. Sometimes we think he has fallen asleep and … Continue reading My 12-year-old is finding it hard to sleep
Our son sees us argue and is upset
Question:We have been happily married for 10 years. We are immigrants in Ireland, and have no family around. We have some family friends (from our community whom we meet and hang out with on weekends) and have three children; the eldest is nine. My husband and I are extremely happy in our marriage. We have … Continue reading Our son sees us argue and is upset
My son never tells me about his day at school.
Parent Question:My six-year-old son never talks about school and I wonder if this is okay. Each day I ask him how was school, and each day he avoids the question and says nothing. If I ask the question a few times, he can get annoyed and once said ‘stop talking’ to me. Should I worry … Continue reading My son never tells me about his day at school.
Is my daughter struggles with friendships, could she be autistic?
Question: My 11-year-old daughter is in fifth class and is struggling to make friends. We found out a group of girls were excluding her. Apparently she was constantly seeking to hang out with them and they gave her the cold shoulder. I was very angry, but you can’t force the girls to include her. The … Continue reading Is my daughter struggles with friendships, could she be autistic?
My eight-year-old daughter has a friendship that can be quite intense
Parent Question:My eight-year-old daughter has a friendship that can be quite intense. She often talks about the other girl getting upset. My daughter feels responsible for her friend and worries that she’ll be in trouble when the other girl gets upset. The upset is happening more and more often. The cause of upset that I … Continue reading My eight-year-old daughter has a friendship that can be quite intense
My gifted son hates school
Parent Question:My son started sixth class this year and he really hates going to school. He says he “hates” the work and that he is bored. I try to jolly him along and he goes in, but he looks really down in the dumps most days and I worry about him. He started this last … Continue reading My gifted son hates school
Does my daughter have PDA?
Parent Question:My 12-year-old daughter’s opposition and meltdowns is making our family life miserable. She won’t do anything she is told to do. Simple requests, such as coming to the table for dinner, getting dressed, or tidying her room can lead to a full-scale meltdown. We can have big battles to go anywhere as a family … Continue reading Does my daughter have PDA?
My son has ADHD, should I get diagnosed too?
Parent Question:I am a father to a 10-year-old boy who has been recently diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). He has been struggling in school since day one, so the diagnosis is not a surprise. We had to get our own private assessment with a psychologist as he has been on the waiting list … Continue reading My son has ADHD, should I get diagnosed too?
My seven-year-old won’t do what he’s asked
Parent Question:My seven-year-old son is very defiant. It is particularly problematic in extracurricular activities. Initially, I thought it was related to physical activities only, which would be understandable as he has a mild physical disability which results in fatigue. However, he is also defiant with his music teacher and won’t follow the basic rules of … Continue reading My seven-year-old won’t do what he’s asked
My six-year-old says he hates himself
Question: My little boy, who is six, is an only child. He is very lovable, kind, intelligent, strong-willed, but he tends to lack self-esteem. He tends to self-loathe and often says he hates himself. He doesn’t accept praise without putting his negativity on it. He gets so easily defeated too and says he feels sad … Continue reading My six-year-old says he hates himself
Homeschooling: How can I make it work for me and my children?
Q: I have two boys in third and fourth classes and this new phase of homeschooling is not going well. My eldest in particular is struggling with the work the teacher sets and is often upset about it – feeling he can’t do it. The teachers just send out lists of formal school work to be done … Continue reading Homeschooling: How can I make it work for me and my children?
Maintaining family wellbeing during the Covid-19 lockdown
With colleges, schools and childcare centres closed in most areas, the Covid-19 crises has instantly changed the lives of most families worldwide. Pushed tightly back into our family units without much outside contact, relationships have been put under pressure. Stressed parents struggle to balance working and caring for children all day and bored children have … Continue reading Maintaining family wellbeing during the Covid-19 lockdown
How do I stop my boy putting his hands down his pants?
QUESTION: My seven-year-old son has got into the habit of putting his hands down his pants and leaving them there. He tends to do it while watching TV and it seems purely a comfort thing. I tell him to stop and he takes his hands away but then a few minutes later he puts them … Continue reading How do I stop my boy putting his hands down his pants?
My 10-year-old is stealing treats and lying about it
QUESTION: I have a 10-year-old girl who has been stealing treats from the treat box and then lying about it when the wrappers are found under her pillow. This is not the first time it has happened and we have discussed how important honesty is for us to trust each other. I think we have two … Continue reading My 10-year-old is stealing treats and lying about it
My seven-year-old gets upset when I scold her
QUESTION: My older daughter is seven. Whenever I give out to her she tends to over-react and get very upset. I might be correcting her over something minor, like not tidying her room but then she starts crying and bursts into tears. The other day she even wrote me a note saying sorry and how … Continue reading My seven-year-old gets upset when I scold her
My six-year-old’s bedwetting is damaging his self-esteem
QUESTION: I have a bit of a problem with my six-year-old son. He is the youngest of three, a well able and very talented little chap, although he thinks he is terrible at everything. I think the underlying problem is his bedwetting. He has never gotten control of it. The bed is wet pretty much … Continue reading My six-year-old’s bedwetting is damaging his self-esteem
How can I help my daughter not to join in with bullying a classmate?
PARENT QUESTION: How do I set my eight-year-old daughter up so she’s not part of a group of girls who are excluding one girl in the class? The context is that the “one girl” has said unkind things to others. Now a group of five or six of the girls are being unkind back to … Continue reading How can I help my daughter not to join in with bullying a classmate?
‘Pressure Points’ Part 1: Being Protective V Being Permissive
This is part 1 of a six-part series of articles that describes evidence-based and practical parenting principles on how to positively influence your children and help them grow up into responsible adults. Children and young people are under increased pressures to become involved in risky and harmful activities such as smoking, drinking, drug taking as … Continue reading ‘Pressure Points’ Part 1: Being Protective V Being Permissive
‘Pressure Points’ Part 6: Building your child’s resilience
Over the last five articles in my “Pressure Points” series I have explored what parents can do to empower their children to make responsible choices around risky behaviours such smoking, drinking, sex and the dangers on the Internet. In this last article, I explore how parents can build resilience in their children so they have … Continue reading ‘Pressure Points’ Part 6: Building your child’s resilience
‘Pressure Points’ Part 5: How to help your child avoid ‘falling in with the wrong crowd’
As children grow older, a big worry for parents is that their children might “fall in with the wrong crowd” or be part of a negative or irresponsible peer group. You might have a child who is already “easily led” or who has a tendency to be “impulsive” and you know that with the influence … Continue reading ‘Pressure Points’ Part 5: How to help your child avoid ‘falling in with the wrong crowd’
‘Pressure Points’ Part 4: Making rules and building responsibility
In recent times we have read about the problems of being a “helicopter parent” who “hovers” over children becoming over-involved, deciding too much for children and not giving them the freedom to learn from their own mistakes. However, equally problematic is “over-permissive” or “disengaged” parenting, when anything goes and children are given too much freedom … Continue reading ‘Pressure Points’ Part 4: Making rules and building responsibility
‘Pressure Points’ Part 3: Talking to your children about dangers
When thinking of all the dangers that confront our children (such as alcohol, drugs, the internet, etc), it can be hard to know how and when to discuss these risks with them. Certainly, it is easy as parents to put these conversations on the long finger and to even avoid them altogether. Some parents feel … Continue reading ‘Pressure Points’ Part 3: Talking to your children about dangers
‘Pressure Points’ Part 2: Five ways to connect with your children
Having a warm connected relationship with your children is definitely one of the most enjoyable aspects of parenting. Doing fun activities together, sharing experiences and having good conversations all make for creating deeply satisfying relationships between parents and children. Such connected relationships have enormous benefits for children, in terms of building their self-esteem and confidence … Continue reading ‘Pressure Points’ Part 2: Five ways to connect with your children
‘Pressure Points’ 6-part series: How to help your children make good choices
Children and young people are under increased pressures to become involved in risky and harmful activities such as smoking, drinking, drug taking as well as new internet-related problems such as sexting, pornography or online bullying. Parents are right to be concerned and they have a key role in keeping their children and teenagers safe and … Continue reading ‘Pressure Points’ 6-part series: How to help your children make good choices
My daughter has a terror of vomiting
QUESTION: My nine-year-old daughter has always had a fear of vomit. She was triggered recently by a girl vomiting in her class. The next morning she wanted me to bring her brother to school first. She felt sick and was terrified she was going to vomit. She had what looked similar to a panic attack. … Continue reading My daughter has a terror of vomiting
My nine-year-old constantly looks for reassurance that we love him
QUESTION: We a have a delightful nine-year-old boy and he’s our only child. He is extremely sensitive to everything all around him. For example, if someone is upset at home he gets upset also and he can easily be affected and worry about this. He asks multiple times a day if we love him and … Continue reading My nine-year-old constantly looks for reassurance that we love him
My nine year old still wets the bed
QUESTION: I’m at my wit’s end about my son who has just turned nine and wets his bed. We have tried everything and are now using a bed-wetting alarm, which my child sleeps through. When we are woken by the alarm and take him out of the bed he has no memory of it,even though we … Continue reading My nine year old still wets the bed
Has my shouting damaged my children?
QUESTION I have always been a bit short-tempered and this has transferred over to my parenting. I can easily get wound up by my children, who are aged five and six, and I end up shouting at them. Last year was particularly stressful due to work and family issues and I was probably caught in … Continue reading Has my shouting damaged my children?
Healthy Families Series Part 5: Getting Enough Sleep and Rest
Family stress and poor sleeping patterns are associated with many problems: obesity, physical illness, poor performance in school and increased behavioural problems. While the exact reasons for this are not clear, it makes sense that a child or parent who is chronically tired or stressed is less likely to have the energy to exercise and … Continue reading Healthy Families Series Part 5: Getting Enough Sleep and Rest
Healthy Families Series Part 6: Nurturing Family Relationships
Over the last five weeks of this series we have looked at the habits of healthy and happy families, and now we conclude with the most important habit of all: taking time to nurture our family relationships. The closer we are to the people we love, the more happy we feel and the greater our … Continue reading Healthy Families Series Part 6: Nurturing Family Relationships
Healthy Families Series Part 4: Managing Screens and Technology at Home
In the past 20 years the use of technology has invaded family life. Whereas previously there was only the TV to contend with, now we have the internet, video games and smart phones all interrupting family life. When I first started clinical work with families, the number one battle for parents was to get their … Continue reading Healthy Families Series Part 4: Managing Screens and Technology at Home
Healthy Families Series Part 2: Replacing Bad Habits with Good Ones
Essentially, an unhealthy lifestyle is down to a set of poor habits. We become accustomed to repeated daily patterns of behaviour and lose sight of the quality of the lifestyle we are living. Whether this is the habit of putting sugar in our coffee or always eating a chocolate bar after lunch or driving rather … Continue reading Healthy Families Series Part 2: Replacing Bad Habits with Good Ones
Healthy Families Series Part 3: Enjoying Mealtimes Together
People are spending less time preparing food and less time eating together with loved ones in their family. Frequently, parents are eating at different times to their children, or mealtimes are rushed or eaten in front of a screen. It is not uncommon now to see whole families eating in silence together in restaurants as … Continue reading Healthy Families Series Part 3: Enjoying Mealtimes Together
Healthy Families Series Part 1: Bringing Up Happy, Healthy Children
Despite more widespread access to health information than ever before, our nation’s health is much poorer than a generation ago. Children and adults live increasingly sedentary lifestyles, dominated by screens and disconnected from the outdoors and the natural world. Our collective diet has deteriorated drastically. We are home-cooking less, eating fewer vegetables and consuming much … Continue reading Healthy Families Series Part 1: Bringing Up Happy, Healthy Children
How do I tell my son that Grandad is dying?
QUESTION My father is very sick in hospital, battling a long illness with cancer and we’ve recently been told it is terminal. My son is very close to his grandfather and I don’t know how to explain his illness to him. He’s seven now and knows Grandad is very sick but how do I explain … Continue reading How do I tell my son that Grandad is dying?
Building Self-Esteem in Children
Read John Sharry’s six-part series, originally published in The Irish Times on how you can help promote positive self-esteem, confidence and emotional wellbeing in children and teenagers. Click on the links below to read each article: Part 1: Building your child’s self-esteem Part 2: Love your children uniquely, not just equally Part 3: Helping your … Continue reading Building Self-Esteem in Children
My daughter is struggling with friendships
QUESTION My 10-year-old daughter is having trouble with some friends in school. It centres on her relationship with one girl who she expects to be a much closer friend than she actually is (this girl has lots of other friends and does not want to see my daughter as much as my daughter wants to … Continue reading My daughter is struggling with friendships
My son is always left on the sidelines at matches
QUESTION My son is under 12 and turns up for GAA training. He is often left on the sidelines, but as the ages get higher, it has got worse. Now they are bringing under-11s up to play matches while he stands around in the cold. I am sure it’s not the first time you have … Continue reading My son is always left on the sidelines at matches
Our five-year-old has started acting babyish
QUESTION My five-year-old daughter has become really babyish and is pretending to be much younger than she is. She has always been quite an advanced child who learned things quickly, such as dressing herself. But recently she has been refusing to do this and wants me to help her. She pretends she can’t put on … Continue reading Our five-year-old has started acting babyish
‘My 10-year-old son is the class clown and always in trouble’
QUESTION I am concerned about my 10-year-old son who can be really immature sometimes and is always acting the class clown. He loves to make everyone laugh but I feel that he cannot recognise the difference between people laughing at him or laughing with him. He is the one who acts out and gets into … Continue reading ‘My 10-year-old son is the class clown and always in trouble’
My seven-year-old son struggles to go to sleep
QUESTION My seven-year-old son really struggles to go to sleep at night. His bedtime routine starts at 7.30pm – he has a bath, a small glass of milk and a bedtime story. He might read for a bit but he keeps finding excuses to come downstairs and he starts playing with anything he can find … Continue reading My seven-year-old son struggles to go to sleep
My son was bullied for a year before we knew
QUESTION Our 11-year-old son was bullied in school for over a year and it has affected him badly. Unfortunately, he was too scared to tell us but we found out eventually from his school. The bullying happened when my son was in fourth class. The other child was older, in sixth class, and is no … Continue reading My son was bullied for a year before we knew
My daughter worries about ‘bad’ things she has done
QUESTION Our eight-year-old constantly brings up “bad” things she has done in the past which she is worried about or which she feels guilty about. They are relatively minor things, such as a time when she did not share with a friend or when she was naughty in school. Some happened a long time ago … Continue reading My daughter worries about ‘bad’ things she has done
My son (10) is still mourning his grandad, four years on.
QUESTION My son is 10 years-old. His grandfather died four years ago after a two-year battle with cancer, when my son was six. There was a warm special bond between the two and he was understandably upset. However, even now, over four years on my son still seems to be grieving. He gets visibly upset … Continue reading My son (10) is still mourning his grandad, four years on.
How best to help my granddaughter with Selective Mutism?
QUESTION Arising from your recent article, I would like your advice on how to manage our granddaughter. She was very vocal with us until the age of four, albeit she was shy with other adults. She is now six and talks to her parents and her young friends but she has been muting with us … Continue reading How best to help my granddaughter with Selective Mutism?
My five-year-old has selective mutism
QUESTION My daughter is almost five years old and has gone through a year of playschool without speaking a word to the teacher or children there. She speaks freely at home but does not speak to extended family or anyone else. But she will speak to me, my husband and her brothers anywhere. She is … Continue reading My five-year-old has selective mutism
My 8-year-old can be quite judgmental of other children
QUESTION Have you any tips on how to deal with a child who sticks very much to the rules and can be quite judgmental? My daughter is eight years old and, at times, can judge others in a negative way. She doesn’t always say something negative but she has a “look” that other children definitely … Continue reading My 8-year-old can be quite judgmental of other children
Is my son’s imaginary friend a problem?
QUESTION My five-year-old son is an only child. Since he was about 3½ years old, he has had imaginary friends. He goes through different phases and different friends. Sometimes he would have animal friends similar to his soft toys and recently he has had an imaginary friend called “Jack” who he imagines to be a … Continue reading Is my son’s imaginary friend a problem?
My five-year-old son ‘holds on’ to his wee and poo
QUESTION My son, who is just five, has been having major problems going to the toilet and in particular “holding on” to his number ones and number twos so much so that I feel it is having a major impact on his life and wellbeing. There is nothing medically wrong with him, in that once … Continue reading My five-year-old son ‘holds on’ to his wee and poo
My 11-year-old daughter is struggling with friends
QUESTION My daughter is 11 and going into 6th class this September, but she is having a difficult summer. She has always found it hard to make many friends as she can be quite shy and not forward in groups. This means she can be left out of some of the invitation lists for parties … Continue reading My 11-year-old daughter is struggling with friends
Tourette’s Syndrome: Help me help my son
QUESTION I hope you can help me with my son who has tics and Tourette’s syndrome. His tics wax and wane constantly. Some are ones only we as parents would notice; others are sporadic, sudden and obvious. He has adapted well and, luckily, he gets the verbal tics for only a few weeks every three … Continue reading Tourette’s Syndrome: Help me help my son
My six-year-old son is very negative and often in a bad mood
QUESTION My son, who just turned six over Christmas, can be very negative and grumpy. He whines all the time when he doesn’t want to do things. Even when we take him swimming, he can whine and moan and say he does not want to go – despite the fact he always enjoys it when … Continue reading My six-year-old son is very negative and often in a bad mood
Competition and rewards in the classroom
QUESTION I have heard you speak about the dangers of encouraging overcompetitiveness in young children. My question is how to deal with the situation in a school where my six-year-old, along with the boys at the same table, compete for “An Bord is Fearr”, which means that the “best” table each week gets a prize … Continue reading Competition and rewards in the classroom
Encopresis/Soiling: My grandson soils his underpants several times a day
QUESTION I am writing to you about my five- year-old grandson. For the past year he has been defecating in his underpants several times a day. He is the eldest of two children and my daughter is expecting another baby in April. My daughter is a psychotherapist and took him to see a psychologist last … Continue reading Encopresis/Soiling: My grandson soils his underpants several times a day
How can I bond with my son? We are always fighting.
QUESTION I seem to be fighting constantly with my four-year-old son. He is demanding and whingy, and I end up shouting all the time. I know a lot of it is my fault, because I don’t think I really bonded with him. I was depressed when he was born and then again two years later … Continue reading How can I bond with my son? We are always fighting.
How can I help my younger daughter move out of her big sister’s shadow?
QUESTION My three-year-old daughter lives in the shadow of her six-year-old sister. In some ways it is very cute – she follows her around all the time and looks up to her – but sometimes I think it is too much. She can be very passive and just lets her sister get her own way … Continue reading How can I help my younger daughter move out of her big sister’s shadow?
My 13-year-old son is addicted to online gaming
QUESTION My son, who is 13, is completely addicted to technology, particularly online gaming which he would happily spend the entire day on if he was allowed. It has got to the point where he barely engages in family life and is doing the minimum of homework. We are fighting all the time about it. … Continue reading My 13-year-old son is addicted to online gaming
Should I allow my 11-year-old have a smartphone?
QUESTION My 11-year-old daughter is pushing to have her own smartphone to play games and to email her friends. I have resisted so far because, to be honest, I feel a bit at sea over the whole technology issue. I am worried about what she might be exposed to. The other day, she was looking … Continue reading Should I allow my 11-year-old have a smartphone?
How to talk to children about terrorism and murder?
QUESTION We have three children aged four, six and eight, and we are worried about the impact of all the bad news on TV on them, particularly the eldest. With the recent terrorist attacks and gangland killings, there has been a lot of bad news recently. We try to protect the children from it by … Continue reading How to talk to children about terrorism and murder?
‘How can we conquer the homework battle?’
QUESTION Since my son moved into fourth class, things have become really difficult at home. He is getting a lot more homework this year and it has become a real battle to get him to do it. He is in bad form the minute he comes out of school as he knows he has to … Continue reading ‘How can we conquer the homework battle?’
Helping a perfectionist child
QUESTION My seven-year-old son can be really self-critical. When he can’t do something, he sometimes has a meltdown and starts saying that he is stupid or that he can do nothing or even that he hates himself. It is a bit shocking to hear him speak like this. I, of course, counteract this, saying that … Continue reading Helping a perfectionist child
How should I explain my brother’s suicide to my son?
QUESTION: My brother took his life nine years ago. We were all devastated and, as a family, still find it hard to talk about it. At the time I did not tell my four-year-old son how his uncle had died, because I thought he was too young to know about suicide. He saw the whole … Continue reading How should I explain my brother’s suicide to my son?
‘Would a dog help my daughter’s selective mutism?’
QUESTION My little girl is seven with selective mutism. She is doing great in school and is starting to talk more often, but outside school she is not doing too good. She goes to lots of different activities, such as GAA, swimming, playing the tin whistle, and girl guides. However, she communicates very little when … Continue reading ‘Would a dog help my daughter’s selective mutism?’
Building your Child’s Self-Esteem
“Try not to become a person of success but rather a person of value.” Albert Einstein Parents frequently worry that their children have low confidence or feel self-critical or negative about themselves. Sometimes their concerns are localised to a particular area, such as a child being shy or having trouble making friends or feeling disconnected … Continue reading Building your Child’s Self-Esteem
How to talk to children about bad news stories
QUESTION: We have three children aged four, six and eight, and we are worried about the impact of all the bad news on TV on them, particularly the eldest. With terrorist attacks and gangland killings, there has been a lot of bad news recently. We try to protect the children from it by turning off the … Continue reading How to talk to children about bad news stories
I feel guilty about shouting at my children
Q. If you have shouted or behaved badly with your children in the past, does this cause any long-term damage or is it possible to undo this negative experience with increased positive experiences? In the past I was very stressed as a parent, and though I never hit them, I used to get into constant rows with my children, especially my older son (now 16). In recent times, I have tried to be a bit more positive, which I do find works a lot better. However, I now find myself feeling really guilty about the way I behaved.
My daughter is upset about her father getting married
QUESTION I have one little girl who is seven years old. I separated from her father three years ago. It was acrimonious at the time but we are now getting on and he sees her twice a week with at least one overnight. He recently announced that he is getting married and my little girl … Continue reading My daughter is upset about her father getting married
Fear of dogs
QUESTION: My nine-year-old girl is generally a happy child, though sometimes prone to being a little anxious and shy. She has always been a bit nervous of dogs; I think it started years ago when a friendly dog jumped up and licked her. We thought she would grow out of it but, if anything, it has … Continue reading Fear of dogs
How do I explain my wife’s depression to the children?
Q. My wife has always suffered on and off from depression. This would often get worse when our children were born ( two boys and a girl, aged 8,6 and 5) but in recent years she has been coping well. We have supportive extended family on both sides and she works part-time. She has been on medication for the last six years and this has seemed to help her and she has been the full -time carer of the children in the home.
Bedtime is chaos, should I stagger bedtime for my three children?
QUESTION: Bedtime can be chaos in my home with my three children who are four, six and seven. They all become giddy and spark off each other, going into each other’s beds and rooms and it can be exhausting getting them all settled. Should I try to stagger their bedtimes? When I tried to do … Continue reading Bedtime is chaos, should I stagger bedtime for my three children?
Our nine year old worries that we will divorce (even though we are happily married).
QUESTION: My nine-year-old daughter is extremely anxious. Despite me and her dad talking to her and reassuring her, she still seems to be very worried. Her main issue is that her dad and I will split up and remarry, despite being happily married to each other. We try not to argue in front of our … Continue reading Our nine year old worries that we will divorce (even though we are happily married).
My five year old girl won’t sleep in her own bed
QUESTION Since Christmas, I have had a problem getting my five-year- old daughter to stay in her own bed and sleep through the night. At Christmas she went from her normal 8pm bedtime to 9pm, andsometimes 9.30pm, because she was on holidays from school. Big mistake. Now she wants to stay in our bed and … Continue reading My five year old girl won’t sleep in her own bed
My nine year old is anxious and a big worrier. How can I help her?
QUESTION I have a nine-year-old daughter who is a gentle, empathic child but can be a real worrier. She gets herself into a state over just about everything. With the recent bad weather she was worried that we were going to have a flood or that something was going to be blown off the house … Continue reading My nine year old is anxious and a big worrier. How can I help her?
My 12 year old won’t get up for school
QUESTION I have a 12-year-old boy who just won’t get up for school. He doesn’t appear to have issues with school, seems to be doing well once he gets there, has lots of friends and so on. The problem is the battle in the morning to get him up. We try to have him in bed … Continue reading My 12 year old won’t get up for school
Is Dad coming to my First Communion?
Q: My daughter is making her First Communion this year. She is an only child and I separated from her father shortly after she was born. Unfortunately, he has had only intermittent involvement in her life. He worked abroad for the first few years, and I have brought her up largely alone, with a lot of … Continue reading Is Dad coming to my First Communion?
With a family history of anxiety and depression, I worry about my 4 year old
Q: I am writing to you in connection with my 4½ year old daughter. She is a lovely, caring, intelligent girl who is also great fun. However, I am worried about her. She has recently become very sensitive and can seem down in herself. For example, she often makes genuinely funny jokes and clever observations. If … Continue reading With a family history of anxiety and depression, I worry about my 4 year old
My nine year old is very anxious
QUESTION I believe my nine-year-old son suffers with anxiety problems. From time to time he gets so upset and tearful that he gets a pain in his tummy and clings to me or his mother, not wanting us to leave him. No amount of coaxing can get him to tell me what is wrong. I have … Continue reading My nine year old is very anxious
My 5 year old daughter gets her little brother in trouble
QUESTION Our five-year-old daughter has recently started trying to get our two-year-old son in trouble, or even injured. The most recent incident involved her telling him to jump off the top bunk in her room. When I asked her what she thought would happen if he had jumped, she said that she thought he would break … Continue reading My 5 year old daughter gets her little brother in trouble
My 10 year old is shy and finds it hard to make friends
QUESTION: My 10-year-old daughter is in fourth class. She has always been shy, particularly when she meets new people, but recently this seems to have got a lot worse. In her all-girls school, one girl she was particularly friendly with has joined another group of friends in the class and my daughter feels a little lost. … Continue reading My 10 year old is shy and finds it hard to make friends
My fussy eaters are wearing me down
QUESTION: My children are six and eight and they don’t eat. They look healthy, they grow and, thankfully, they are happy, but yet they do not eat. I did it all right when they were babies – introduced the tastes, whizzed up the spinach and all the rest – but they both started to turn their … Continue reading My fussy eaters are wearing me down
Bad behaviour: Our girl is a street angel and a house devil
QUESTION: My 12-year-old daughter is making all our lives hell at home. She has always been fiery and prone to dramatic meltdowns and flying off the handle. But it has become much worse this year since she started secondary school. The funny thing is that outside the home she is sweetness and light. Her last … Continue reading Bad behaviour: Our girl is a street angel and a house devil
Morning meltdowns: mine and the children’s
QUESTION Since the children started back to school, it has been really stressful in the house. We have three children, who are six, eight and 10, and I’m caught in an endless cycle of rushing to get them into school and then rushing to afterschool activities and pressured homework routines. I find myself losing my temper … Continue reading Morning meltdowns: mine and the children’s
Talking about a tragedy
The tragic death of 9-year-old twins Patrick and Tom O’Driscoll in Cork and their older brother Jonathan, is one of the most disturbing and heart-breaking news stories to read as a parent. We struggle to comprehend what circumstances might have led to such a tragic event and what could have been the state of mind … Continue reading Talking about a tragedy
My junior infant doesn’t want to go back to school
QUESTION My son started in junior infants last week. As he is our eldest we were all a bit nervous, but it seemed to go fine. We had prepared him well and he seemed very positive about it. However, yesterday he announced that he did not want to go back to school. He told me … Continue reading My junior infant doesn’t want to go back to school
How to deal with night terrors?
Q: We found our four-year-old son sitting up the other night screaming and shouting. He looked really upset and agitated, yet seemed to be still asleep. It was very upsetting to see and we didn’t know what to do. In a few minutes he settled down and went back to sleep soundly. My sister says it … Continue reading How to deal with night terrors?
How can I manage my 8 year old morning meltdowns?
QUESTION: My daughter is nearly eight years old and has frequent meltdowns and hysterical outbursts that are very hard to manage. Last week when under pressure she threw a hissy-fit and refused point blank to get into the car to go to school. I ended up dragging her into the car which meant she kicked and hit … Continue reading How can I manage my 8 year old morning meltdowns?
My son is unsettled after weekends with his father
Q: My seven-year-old son spends every second weekend (Friday to Sunday evening) with his father, my ex-husband. (We separated 18 months ago.) When he comes back from the visits he doesn’t talk to me about what went on over the weekend. He is often very tired and upset, and it can take a few days … Continue reading My son is unsettled after weekends with his father
How can I help my son manage his tics?
QUESTION Our eldest son is nearly eight years old. In the past couple of years he has developed several motor and vocal tics, and we are unsure how to help him deal with them. Up to last year we mostly ignored them and reassured him they would go away. However, he began to become more aware … Continue reading How can I help my son manage his tics?
My six year old won’t go to bed
QUESTION: I am writing about my girl who is just six years old. There is a real problem getting her to bed and it can take on average two hours, from 8pm to 10pm, for her to settle, by which time we are all exhausted and I’m usually in tears. She continues to come downstairs, with … Continue reading My six year old won’t go to bed
My six year old has nightmares, how can we help her?
QUESTION: My six-year-old daughter often has nightmares in the middle of the night, sometimes twice a week. She can get very upset and then comes into our bed for comfort. What is the best way to help her? Is there anything causing them, and should we continue to let her come into the bed with … Continue reading My six year old has nightmares, how can we help her?
My daughter resents my new partner
Q: I have been separated for just over three years and I have a nine-year-old daughter. She sees her dad about twice a week and the arrangement seems to work okay for everyone. I’ve recently started seeing someone new, and I’m worried that my daughter is not adapting well to the new situation. My new … Continue reading My daughter resents my new partner
Our son is scared at night since burglary
Q: I was wondering if you could offer any advice with regard to our seven-year-old son and his sleep pattern. Over a month ago he learned of a break-in to a classmate’s house at night. He has since developed a fear of being left alone in his room and insists that we stay with him at … Continue reading Our son is scared at night since burglary
My five year old is controlling us
Q: My daughter is five and a half. She’s smart, deep and popular with her friends and teachers. She can be loads of fun and still knows how to be a child as she should at her tender age. Her biggest problems stem from control and anger. It’s a bit complicated and, of course, both … Continue reading My five year old is controlling us
My son is obese. How can we help him?
Q: I took my child to the GP due to a chest infection and as part of the examination he weighed my son and indicated that he thought he was overweight and that I should take steps to address this. I was a bit annoyed because I had not taken my son to see him for … Continue reading My son is obese. How can we help him?
My eight year old is afraid of being kidnapped and won’t sleep alone
QUESTION We hope you may be able to help: our eight-year-old daughter has recently developed a fear of being kidnapped to the extent that she will now not sleep on her own or even go upstairs without someone going with her (preferably my husband or me). She has also developed some facial tics which may be … Continue reading My eight year old is afraid of being kidnapped and won’t sleep alone
We argue over how to manage the kids, I’m alway’s bad cop.
QUESTION How important do you think it is for parents to present a united front to their children? How much of a problem is it when they don’t? We have three children who are seven, 10 and 14, and my husband and I are always arguing about how best to manage them. My husband is … Continue reading We argue over how to manage the kids, I’m alway’s bad cop.
One of my twins is so cheeky
Q. I have twin daughters of six years old. One of them never follows instructions or does what she is told. She will spend ages debating, being cheeky and arguing when you ask her something, and it can be very tiring. As a result, I find myself getting really annoyed at her. When she does not get what she wants, she begins to cry and scream. We put her outside the room to get her to stop but she keeps coming back in. Then she asks for a hug in order to stop crying and screaming.
My little girl can’t stop biting her nails
Q: My six-year-old daughter started biting her nails around the same time she started school for the first time last September. She’s a happy girl and is enjoying school, but I reckon the change in her life is what triggered her to start. She bites her nails right to the quick and also bites the … Continue reading My little girl can’t stop biting her nails
Trichotillomania: My daughter pulls out her eyelashes
Q: I’m a mother of two girls, who are 10 and eight. As with all kids, they are very different in many ways. Our elder girl will talk about her worries, but our eight-year- old daughter isn’t as good. She likes to keep the peace more than her sister does, and doesn’t like any confrontation. I … Continue reading Trichotillomania: My daughter pulls out her eyelashes
My 11 year old son has been looking at adult sites online
Q. We have a family PC in the living room and the children use it for homework and games and we always supervise their use. Reviewing the history the other day I discovered that my eldest son who is 11 years old was looking at adult sites – when he put in the term “sex” in Google. He must have been doing it when we were briefly out of the room.
How can I help my 8 year old son with ADHD?
Q. I’m looking for advice on how to deal with a temperamental eight-year-old boy who can be really challenging. He can be impulsive, inattentive, disobedient and unable to accept responsibility for bad behaviour. We took him to a psychologist who said he had significant ADHD/ADD symptoms, which fits with what we were experiencing. We decided not to pursue this further as we did not want to put him on medication. But we are looking for advice on how to manage his behaviour.
My triplets gang up on me
Q. We have four children, a 10-year-old girl and triplets (two boys and one girl). I look after them full-time at home and their father works full-time. I have just spent a weekend from hell with them. Their father went away for the weekend to visit his family. They were acting up all weekend and I had no support. I live in Dublin away from my family and dont know my neighbours. By the end of it I wanted to run away, I even packed a bag, passport, the whole lot. When my husband got home, he got me to calm down and we agreed we needed support.
How do I explain war and murder to my 6yr old?
Q. I am looking for advice on how best to explain to my six-year-old child about all the bad news you hear on the radio or in the newspaper. During the day I often have the radio on and she has begun to listen in and try to work out what is being said. When the news comes on and there is a serious road traffic accident, or a report of a murder or the conflict in Syria, she will ask me what they are talking about and expect me to explain.
What should we tell our son about his diagnosis of Dyspraxia?
Q. Our seven-year-old son has recently been diagnosed with dyspraxia – this came as no surprise as he has always struggled with co-ordination and his social skills are poor. What I would like to know is how we should tell him about his condition or should we just wait until he’s older?
Stranger Danger: How can I teach safety without scaring my child?
Q. In our area there was a concern that a strange man was approaching and talking to children at a local playground. The report was that he was trying to lure them away from the playground. The police were called and, though there was no one arrested they issued a general warning that we should all be careful in the local area and make sure to warn our children of the dangers from strangers and so on. My question is: how much you should talk to children about “stranger danger”.
What rules should I have around technology for my teenagers?
Q. I have three children aged 16, 14 and 11. What rules should I set around using technology in the home? They seem to always be either watching TV, on the tablet, using the Wii or texting friends. They’re technology obsessed. They would spend the whole day on their devices if I let them. Sometimes I come in from work and all three of them are on a screen of some sort and it is hard to get a word out of them.
We argue over the best way to parent
‘Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.’
Henry Ford
Parent Mental Health: Looking after yourself for the kids sake
Though becoming a parent brings many joys and satisfactions, it is inherently stressful and demanding and can take its toll on parents mental health. Parents can easily put all their energies into caring for and attending to their children, and sacrifice their own personal needs and self-care. Juggling the many demands placed on them, it is easy for parents to cut off from their natural supports or sources of rest or recreation, and over time become depleted stressed and burnt out.
My daughter is mean to her little brother
Q. Our five-year-old daughter has recently started trying to get our two-year-old son in trouble, or even injured. The most recent incident involved her telling him to jump off the top bunk in her room. When I asked her what she thought would happen if he had jumped, she said that she thought he would break an arm or a leg. Telling him to run around the garden in his socks is one thing, but consciously trying to get him to injure himself is very worrying.
Building children’s self esteem and confidence
‘Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.’ -Sigmund Freud
If you suspect your child is being bullied or is a bully
Unfortunately, bullying isn’t uncommon, and in some surveys up to 40 per cent of children report experiencing or being involved in bullying at school. Many children who are targeted are already marginalised or struggling. Up to half of those who are bullied suffer in silence and don’t tell their parents or teachers what is going on.
My 13 year old is refusing to go to school
Q. My daughter, who is 13, is having terrible trouble getting to school. She is in first year of secondary school and wakes up each morning full of anxiety, and making as many excuses as she can about going. I can’t pinpoint anything in particular that is causing her to be worried, other than that she never really settled after the move from primary school. There are tears every day about going, and some days she point-blank refuses to go.
My 7 year is too anxious to go anywhere on her own
Q. My daughter will be seven in the summer, and has always been an anxious child. In recent months, she has started to get distressed at the thought of being on her own anywhere. She gets distraught, for example, going into another room to fetch something; going to the bathroom; going to change out of her school uniform.
My 13 year old refuses to go to school
Q. My 13-year-old son has always been a little reluctant to go to school, but it has got much worse since he started secondary. He constantly refuses to go. The night before school he begins to get stressed and then the mornings are dominated by his anxiety. We manage to get him there most days, but it is daily stress for the whole family.
How can I support my shy child to make friends?
Q. My five-year-old is in junior infants. She is very shy and seems to be finding it hard to make friends. When I drop her off at school, the other children are chatting and playing with each other, while she seems very reserved and doesn’t join in. At home she is a happy girl and plays well with her cousins, but I have a sense she is not as happy in school.
My eight year old is too anxious to go to sleep alone.
Q. Our eight-year-old son does not want to go to sleep without one of us staying upstairs – he seems afraid of being upstairs on his own. We have talked about this to him and while he understands there is nothing to be afraid of, he seems stuck in the same response and doesn’t want to be left alone. If we do go downstairs, he remains very anxious in his bed and waits until we come back up or until we are going to bed before he will go asleep.
My little girl keeps telling lies
Q: My six-year-old daughter often tells lies and I am wondering whether I should be worried about this. For example, the other day she had clearly helped herself to cake in the kitchen without permission. However, when I challenged her, she kept saying it wasn’t her. She definitely ate the cake as she even had icing around her mouth, yet she continued to deny it and eventually burst into tears and stormed off. I don’t mind her taking the cake – that is understandable and I should not have left it out to tempt her.
Helping Children with Friendships
Q. My nine-year-old daughter has been generally a happy girl but recently she has seemed to be unhappy going to school. She finally told me she had fallen out with her friend at school. I am not sure exactly what happened but it seems her friend has started hanging out more with another girl in the class and it has become a case of “three’s a crowd ”. She was very upset about it when she spoke to me.
How do I help an identical twin who doesn’t like to be called a twin?
Q. Our identical twin boys (Alex and Marcus) are nearly six years old and in separate classes in junior infants since last September. However, since February, Marcus does not like being called a twin. We call them by their names at home or refer to them as the boys. The teachers are very good and refer to them only as brothers. But when other children in the school or adults comment about them being twins or how alike they are, Marcus really doesn’t like it .
My nine-year-old still sleeps in my bed.
Q. My nine-year-old son is still sleeping in my bed with me. He is an only child and his father left when he was three years old and, though he initially kept some contact, he has not seen his father now for a few years. Since that time he has more or less slept in the bed with me. I have tried many times to move him into his own bed, but he complains of being scared and always comes back in during the night.
How can I calm my child’s fear of death?
Q. My son, who will turn six soon, is afraid of death. He got very upset when I tucked him into bed last week and started to cry. He said he didn’t want to grow up as that would mean we (his dad and I) would get old and we would die. And that he wanted our family to stay together forever and didn’t want anyone to die.
My 11-year-old son is pushing to be independent, should I let him go?
QUESTION We have an 11-year-old son who is very sporty and independent. I am not sure if I am being overprotective (he is our eldest) but we like to supervise him closely and take him to and from his activities. Recently, he has been asking to walk by himself to his sports training (which is … Continue reading My 11-year-old son is pushing to be independent, should I let him go?
My 7 year old is anxious
Q. I have a seven-year-old son who all of a sudden has become “afraid of everything”. Although he has been anxious at times in the past, it has suddenly become worse, and now he wants someone to stay with him until he falls asleep. Previously, he had a good bedtime routine of going to the bathroom, reading a story, saying goodnight – all of which went without problem. Now, however, even during the day he is afraid of going outside the livingroom or kitchen to go to the loo.
How to bond with a ‘difficult’ negative child?
Q. I have three children, aged 12, 10 and six, and my problem is the youngest. He stresses me out in the way the other two never did. He whines and moans all day and is negative about everything. It can become a battle to get him to do the slightest thing. Every morning I find myself dreading what mood he might be in. When he is a bad one, he can make it a terrible day for all of us.
How to deal with my 5 year old’s anger?
Q. My five-year-old daughter has a habit of screaming and shouting when she gets frustrated and upset (for example when we have to say no to her). Her outbursts can last for a long time and are very wearing. My question is how can I teach her to express/deal with her anger/ frustration without screaming? I just keep saying, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Just say I’m angry with you but don’t shout it.” It doesn’t seem to be working though. I’m a bit confused about what to teach her about anger.
How do I stop my son being a sore loser?
Q. My son, who will be six at Christmas, is very competitive and this sometimes causes problems for him. He always wants to win and can be a really bad loser. He had a friend over the other day and he overturned a Snakes and Ladders game when he lost and went on to have a full blown meltdown. When he plays football, he always wants to be the best and gets into trouble with the coach for never sharing or passing.
How can I encourage healthy eating?
Q. I know what my children should be eating, but my question is how do you actually get them to eat healthy foods? I have two boys aged two and five and though they are not the worst in what they eat, there is still a lot to be desired. For example, my five year old almost never eats the dinners we have as adults and his diet is restricted to mainly eating pasta and bread.
Caught in bed by my 10-year-old daughter.
Q. My daughter, who is almost 11, walked in on my husband and me when we were having sex. It was late at night and we assumed she was asleep. It was all quite embarrassing and we are not sure how much she saw or how long she was there when we spotted her. In the moment, we were both very flustered and shouted for her to go back to her room.
As a working parent, how can I find more time for my kids?
Q. Like many mothers, I am trying to balance a busy full-time job with caring for my four children, aged three to 10 years old. I’m very aware of the need to give my children one-to-one attention though it is very hard to find the time. A particular challenge is when I get home from work in the evening and my four children clamour for my attention, sometimes crying and pushing each other out of the way to get to me, and it all can become stressful and pressured.
Are my children doing too many activities?
Q. How many extra-curricular activities should you take your children to? I have three children (five, seven and nine) and the week feels like one busy merry-
Help with play dates
Q. I am looking for some advice on helping my daughter, who is an only child, when she has her friends over to play. She has just started back in senior infants and lots of the girls in the class are visiting each other’s houses for play dates, and so on, and she has been asking about this. Up until last year I was working full-time but now I have reduced hours to three and a half days.
My husband gets angry with the kids
Q. My husband can get so angry with the children sometimes, especially when he is stressed and frustrated. He is otherwise a caring, involved dad and I don’t doubt that he loves our children. However, when they misbehave he can have a short fuse and ends up shouting and threatening them.
My five year old is acting like a baby
Q. I have two sons, a five year old and a 16 month old. When the younger was born we were happily surprised at how well our first child took to the new situation. Everything was going well until the baby was maybe five or six months old. However, since then, the five year old has been acting like a baby more and more. He uses baby talk and points to ask for things and gets easily upset if you don’t do what he wants.
My children are fighting all the time
Q. I have two boys. One is 26 months old and the other was four last week, and they seem to be squabbling and fighting all the time. In particular, the older boy seems to resent the younger one and won’t share any of his toys with him. They can’t seem to play together and any time I leave them alone they start to fight.
My 8 year old is very clingy
Q. I’m having a challenging time with my eight-year-old boy primarily related to his obsession with me at the moment – he constantly wants to spend time with me. He can be extremely moody and nasty at times, throwing tantrums, especially if I am not available to him or if I spend time with my two other children (aged four and five).
How to talk to my daughter about her stillborn sister?
Q. Our first daughter was stillborn at full-term and just over a year later our second daughter was born alive and well. She is now two and a half years old. Our first daughter is very much an important part of our lives and we regularly talk about her within the family. We have photos of her around our home and say goodnight to her at bedtime as we try to keep her memory alive. Up until this point we have told our daughter that her big sister is up in the sky playing with the little birdies and this answer has satisfied her thus far.
My child is obsessed with us dying
Q. My 11-year-old daughter (who is an only child) gets very upset at night when she is going to bed. She thinks both her father and I are going to be killed and she will be left alone. It doesn’t matter how often we comfort and console her, we get this at least three nights out of the seven. She says she cannot imagine not being able to talk to us every day and never wants to leave us. Then, in the morning, she is fine again. The only way she falls asleep is by holding onto one of us in her bed.
My daughter’s friends are excluding her. Is she being bullied?
Q: My daughter who is just eight fell out with one of the girls in her class and since then the girl has been ignoring her and this upsets my daughter. I initially tried to advise her to “move on” and find other friends but it seems that now some of the other girls have joined in and are ignoring my daughter and excluding her from games in the yard. I told my daughter I needed to talk to her teacher, but then she got upset and was worried it would make it worse.
My child is a perfectionist
Q. I have a six-year-old son who is a real perfectionist. He can get really angry and upset if events don’t pan out 100% as he had envisioned. For example, he might be drawing a picture and then get really mad if he makes a mistake and then can scrunch up the paper and throw it away. He can shout and scream for ages. It can also happen with other people, like when he is playing a game with a friend and he does not do it “perfectly” and this can lead to a falling out. I try to tell him it is okay, but he remains angry and upset for ages. What can we do?
Our daughter’s phobias seem to be getting worse
Q. Our happy, outgoing, confident six-year-old daughter appears to be developing irrational phobias. To date, she is terrified of injections, dentists, wasps and to a lesser extent insects in general, tweezers and flying. She hasn’t had a bad experience with any of these things. It all seemed to begin last autumn when she became upset and hysterical while she and her siblings were getting their vaccinations. We were hoping it was a one-off as she had been okay with injections before this and had never had a bad experience.
How to get the balance right with after-school activities?
Q. We have three children aged nine, seven and four, who have busy social lives full of activities. Often, I feel that I have got into role of a chauffeur as they seem to want to do everything! With the new school year looming, I am wondering how do you get the balance right with after-school activities – I want to cultivate their interests, of course, but I don’t want to be “running around” all the time.
How can I help my shy 10 year old?
Q. My daughter is 10 years old and I am concerned about her. She is extremely shy to the point where she nearly becomes paralysed. She is very sensitive and emotional, thinks everyone is looking and talking about her and will not engage in school sports because she is afraid of being embarrassed. She allows herself to be bullied and is drawn to the weakest and youngest person in her class. She is an extremely kind and gentle girl and would never hurt anyone deliberately.
How to be a good stepmother
Q. I am due to get married soon and my partner has a six-year-old boy from a previous relationship. The plan is for him to live with his mother half the week and with us the other half of the week. I feel very daunted at the prospect of becoming a stepmother and I am aware of everything that can go wrong. Do you have any tips on making it go well?
My daughter is behaving badly since our separation
Q. I have recently separated from my husband after 10 years of marriage. We have an eight-year-old daughter who lives with me but sees her father every other day for an hour or so and she stays over one night a week with him. In the past couple of weeks, she has been really acting up and won’t do anything I tell her. I seem to be shouting at her all the time and it’s really upsetting. I feel like a bad mother that I can’t even control my own child. She seems to behave for everyone else and her father does not seem to be having the same problems.
How can I help my child be more confident?
Q. I have a six-year-old girl who has been described as being both quiet and sensitive at school. She tends to be a perfectionist in things that she does and hates being wrong. She seems to lack confidence in her ability to do things. I would describe her as never entering into a competition if she feels she may fail and that includes social relationships. I worry that she might be missing out as a result. She is a complex character and I am wondering how I can help her cope with these feelings?
Facts of Life: At what age should we tell our children about sex?
Q. My nine-year-old daughter asked me out of the blue last night, “How do you get a baby?” I was a little shocked and, as I was thinking what to say, she then told me that her friend told her that “the boy and girl have to have sex”. She then became shy about it and didn’t say any more. I changed the subject and asked her how her friend could think she would know about these things. She told me her friend had heard it from an older sister. I didn’t say any more and the conversation then moved on.
My son is anxious after being attacked.
Q. A few months ago my 10-year-son and his friends were playing in a park near our home when they were threatened by a group of teenagers, who pushed and shoved them and tried to rob them. My son ran to our house to get help and the police were called, and later apprehended the teenagers. My son and the boys were very upset by the incident. The guards were really good at handling the situation. They chatted to my son and tried to allay his worries. They told him that the teenagers were not from the area and unlikely to visit again.
Can I put a stop to my son’s wish on Santa’s list?
Q. My eight-year-old son wants an Xbox from Santa this Christmas. Now I am a little worried about him getting this as I think the games can be a little violent – certainly the ones he is talking about wanting to play – and I’d prefer him to ask for something else and not get an Xbox for a few years. He already has a Wii and a Nintendo DS, so he has plenty of gadgets. However, I don’t want to disappoint him either and he has already written to Santa about this.
How can we explain that we can’t afford our kid’s christmas wishes?
Q. Normally my two children (six and eight) get loads of presents at Christmas. However, this year my husband lost his job and finances are much tighter in the family. I don’t know how to explain to my children that they will be getting a lot less this year. Both myself and my husband feel we are letting them down. We’re both pretty down about it and normally we really love Christmas. The children are asking about things they would like that I know we can’t really afford and I don’t know what to say.
My son doesn’t want to see his dad
Q. I am recently separated from my husband and have been in the family law court five times trying to sort out access arrangements for our six-year-old son. The court granted an interim protection order against his father due to excessive alcohol consumption mixed with antidepressants, and his behaviour was very distressing to both our son and myself. Following a psychologist’s report, he was granted day access with supervised handover and return.
How can I support my shy child to make friends?
QUESTION My five-year-old is in junior infants. She is very shy and seems to be finding it hard to make friends. When I drop her off at school, the other children are chatting and playing with each other, while she seems very reserved and doesn’t join in. At home, she is a happy girl and … Continue reading How can I support my shy child to make friends?