Articles by John Sharry
My 19-year old is depressed and anxious
Parent QuestionI’m looking for advice for my own son who is 19 and in his first year in college. He has been on anti-anxiety medication for 18 months and earlier this year he had a type of breakdown (was suicidal, experienced hallucinations) and the GP put him on medication for depression and anxiety. Over the … Continue reading My 19-year old is depressed and anxious
How can I help my child with rejection sensitivity?
Parent QuestionMy son is 11. He’s autistic and very bright. I’m wondering if you have any advice on helping him with rejection sensitivity. While he doesn’t have a lot of the sensory issues often associated with autism, he is extremely self-conscious, gets very upset by perceived criticism, can’t take correction, and finds it hard if … Continue reading How can I help my child with rejection sensitivity?
Is my 11 year old burnt out from school?
Parent Question:My 11-year-old son is in sixth class and hates going to school. He is always reluctant to go in the morning and there is often tears before I finally persuade him out the door. He is also constantly complains of being tired, especially when he comes in from school and he has to lie … Continue reading Is my 11 year old burnt out from school?
How can I help my unhappy 15 year old daughter?
Parent Question: I am struggling with my 15-year-old daughter at the moment. She started dieting last autumn and coming up to Christmas she lost a lot of weight. She was extremely thin, spoke about food all the time, and we were very worried about her. She then fell off that “healthy eating wagon” and went … Continue reading How can I help my unhappy 15 year old daughter?
My six-year-old says he hates himself
Question: My little boy, who is six, is an only child. He is very lovable, kind, intelligent, strong-willed, but he tends to lack self-esteem. He tends to self-loathe and often says he hates himself. He doesn’t accept praise without putting his negativity on it. He gets so easily defeated too and says he feels sad … Continue reading My six-year-old says he hates himself
My 14yr old is worried about war
Parent Question: My 14-year-old son is really worried that world war three will break out. Since Russia invaded Ukraine he has been anxious. He is not sleeping well as a result and is tired and on edge during the day. I try to reassure him that things won’t go that far, but he argues back … Continue reading My 14yr old is worried about war
Making New Year Resolutions
People often start the new year with high hopes and expectations. January can be marked with a frenzy of new goals, resolutions and promised lifestyle changes. However, research shows that most people fail to keep their resolutions beyond the first few weeks. Despite good intentions many plans quickly fall by the wayside and this can … Continue reading Making New Year Resolutions
Tips to help cope with the Covid crisis
Covid-19 has upended our lives completely. We now find ourselves in a new world of reduced social contacts, struggles to keep work going at home and losing jobs and keeping our distance from other people. While this might have been an interesting experiment for a few days, the prospects of doing this for weeks and … Continue reading Tips to help cope with the Covid crisis
Homeschooling: How can I make it work for me and my children?
Q: I have two boys in third and fourth classes and this new phase of homeschooling is not going well. My eldest in particular is struggling with the work the teacher sets and is often upset about it – feeling he can’t do it. The teachers just send out lists of formal school work to be done … Continue reading Homeschooling: How can I make it work for me and my children?
How can I get my teenager to engage in online school?
Q: How can I get my 15-year-old to engage in online schooling? He is stressing about his workand finding it difficult to focus at home. PreCovid, he was a driven and conscientious student who always did well in school. But in this latest lockdown he is struggling and has little interest in schoolwork. He says he … Continue reading How can I get my teenager to engage in online school?
How to fight Covid -19 psychological fatigue?
When the first wave of coronavirus struck back in March, we surprised ourselves with how well we coped psychologically and with how well we collectively responded to the challenge. People almost universally accepted the public health message of “coming together as a nation, by individually staying apart”. There were high levels of altruism and community … Continue reading How to fight Covid -19 psychological fatigue?
Maintaining family wellbeing during the Covid-19 lockdown
With colleges, schools and childcare centres closed in most areas, the Covid-19 crises has instantly changed the lives of most families worldwide. Pushed tightly back into our family units without much outside contact, relationships have been put under pressure. Stressed parents struggle to balance working and caring for children all day and bored children have … Continue reading Maintaining family wellbeing during the Covid-19 lockdown
My 15-year-old son is heartbroken after breaking up with his girlfriend
QUESTION: My son, who will be 16 soon, broke up with his girlfriend four weeks ago. They knew each before and got together at the Gaeltacht in June. To be honest, I was glad when they broke up as it seemed a bit of an intense relationship for him so young (she is the same … Continue reading My 15-year-old son is heartbroken after breaking up with his girlfriend
My seven-year-old gets upset when I scold her
QUESTION: My older daughter is seven. Whenever I give out to her she tends to over-react and get very upset. I might be correcting her over something minor, like not tidying her room but then she starts crying and bursts into tears. The other day she even wrote me a note saying sorry and how … Continue reading My seven-year-old gets upset when I scold her
Tips for Making New Year Resolutions
The New Year is definitely perceived as a time of new beginnings and resolutions. After the excess of Christmas many people try to start afresh in the new year with plans to be more healthy, to do things different or to tackle the a task that has been put on the long finger for months. … Continue reading Tips for Making New Year Resolutions
‘Pressure Points’ Part 1: Being Protective V Being Permissive
This is part 1 of a six-part series of articles that describes evidence-based and practical parenting principles on how to positively influence your children and help them grow up into responsible adults. Children and young people are under increased pressures to become involved in risky and harmful activities such as smoking, drinking, drug taking as … Continue reading ‘Pressure Points’ Part 1: Being Protective V Being Permissive
‘Pressure Points’ Part 6: Building your child’s resilience
Over the last five articles in my “Pressure Points” series I have explored what parents can do to empower their children to make responsible choices around risky behaviours such smoking, drinking, sex and the dangers on the Internet. In this last article, I explore how parents can build resilience in their children so they have … Continue reading ‘Pressure Points’ Part 6: Building your child’s resilience
‘Pressure Points’ Part 5: How to help your child avoid ‘falling in with the wrong crowd’
As children grow older, a big worry for parents is that their children might “fall in with the wrong crowd” or be part of a negative or irresponsible peer group. You might have a child who is already “easily led” or who has a tendency to be “impulsive” and you know that with the influence … Continue reading ‘Pressure Points’ Part 5: How to help your child avoid ‘falling in with the wrong crowd’
‘Pressure Points’ Part 4: Making rules and building responsibility
In recent times we have read about the problems of being a “helicopter parent” who “hovers” over children becoming over-involved, deciding too much for children and not giving them the freedom to learn from their own mistakes. However, equally problematic is “over-permissive” or “disengaged” parenting, when anything goes and children are given too much freedom … Continue reading ‘Pressure Points’ Part 4: Making rules and building responsibility
‘Pressure Points’ Part 3: Talking to your children about dangers
When thinking of all the dangers that confront our children (such as alcohol, drugs, the internet, etc), it can be hard to know how and when to discuss these risks with them. Certainly, it is easy as parents to put these conversations on the long finger and to even avoid them altogether. Some parents feel … Continue reading ‘Pressure Points’ Part 3: Talking to your children about dangers
‘Pressure Points’ Part 2: Five ways to connect with your children
Having a warm connected relationship with your children is definitely one of the most enjoyable aspects of parenting. Doing fun activities together, sharing experiences and having good conversations all make for creating deeply satisfying relationships between parents and children. Such connected relationships have enormous benefits for children, in terms of building their self-esteem and confidence … Continue reading ‘Pressure Points’ Part 2: Five ways to connect with your children
‘Pressure Points’ 6-part series: How to help your children make good choices
Children and young people are under increased pressures to become involved in risky and harmful activities such as smoking, drinking, drug taking as well as new internet-related problems such as sexting, pornography or online bullying. Parents are right to be concerned and they have a key role in keeping their children and teenagers safe and … Continue reading ‘Pressure Points’ 6-part series: How to help your children make good choices
My daughter has a terror of vomiting
QUESTION: My nine-year-old daughter has always had a fear of vomit. She was triggered recently by a girl vomiting in her class. The next morning she wanted me to bring her brother to school first. She felt sick and was terrified she was going to vomit. She had what looked similar to a panic attack. … Continue reading My daughter has a terror of vomiting
My nine-year-old constantly looks for reassurance that we love him
QUESTION: We a have a delightful nine-year-old boy and he’s our only child. He is extremely sensitive to everything all around him. For example, if someone is upset at home he gets upset also and he can easily be affected and worry about this. He asks multiple times a day if we love him and … Continue reading My nine-year-old constantly looks for reassurance that we love him
Has my shouting damaged my children?
QUESTION I have always been a bit short-tempered and this has transferred over to my parenting. I can easily get wound up by my children, who are aged five and six, and I end up shouting at them. Last year was particularly stressful due to work and family issues and I was probably caught in … Continue reading Has my shouting damaged my children?
Healthy Families Series Part 5: Getting Enough Sleep and Rest
Family stress and poor sleeping patterns are associated with many problems: obesity, physical illness, poor performance in school and increased behavioural problems. While the exact reasons for this are not clear, it makes sense that a child or parent who is chronically tired or stressed is less likely to have the energy to exercise and … Continue reading Healthy Families Series Part 5: Getting Enough Sleep and Rest
Healthy Families Series Part 6: Nurturing Family Relationships
Over the last five weeks of this series we have looked at the habits of healthy and happy families, and now we conclude with the most important habit of all: taking time to nurture our family relationships. The closer we are to the people we love, the more happy we feel and the greater our … Continue reading Healthy Families Series Part 6: Nurturing Family Relationships
Healthy Families Series Part 4: Managing Screens and Technology at Home
In the past 20 years the use of technology has invaded family life. Whereas previously there was only the TV to contend with, now we have the internet, video games and smart phones all interrupting family life. When I first started clinical work with families, the number one battle for parents was to get their … Continue reading Healthy Families Series Part 4: Managing Screens and Technology at Home
Healthy Families Series Part 2: Replacing Bad Habits with Good Ones
Essentially, an unhealthy lifestyle is down to a set of poor habits. We become accustomed to repeated daily patterns of behaviour and lose sight of the quality of the lifestyle we are living. Whether this is the habit of putting sugar in our coffee or always eating a chocolate bar after lunch or driving rather … Continue reading Healthy Families Series Part 2: Replacing Bad Habits with Good Ones
Healthy Families Series Part 3: Enjoying Mealtimes Together
People are spending less time preparing food and less time eating together with loved ones in their family. Frequently, parents are eating at different times to their children, or mealtimes are rushed or eaten in front of a screen. It is not uncommon now to see whole families eating in silence together in restaurants as … Continue reading Healthy Families Series Part 3: Enjoying Mealtimes Together
Healthy Families Series Part 1: Bringing Up Happy, Healthy Children
Despite more widespread access to health information than ever before, our nation’s health is much poorer than a generation ago. Children and adults live increasingly sedentary lifestyles, dominated by screens and disconnected from the outdoors and the natural world. Our collective diet has deteriorated drastically. We are home-cooking less, eating fewer vegetables and consuming much … Continue reading Healthy Families Series Part 1: Bringing Up Happy, Healthy Children
My 16-year-old is self-harming
Q. I have just discovered that my 16-year-old daughter has been harming herself by cutting her arms. I had noticed some marks, which she tried to explain away before finally admitting it. She says she does not know why she does it but that she just gets so frustrated about things. My husband and I are very upset about it as we did not know anything was wrong.
How do I tell my son that Grandad is dying?
QUESTION My father is very sick in hospital, battling a long illness with cancer and we’ve recently been told it is terminal. My son is very close to his grandfather and I don’t know how to explain his illness to him. He’s seven now and knows Grandad is very sick but how do I explain … Continue reading How do I tell my son that Grandad is dying?
Building Self-Esteem in Children
Read John Sharry’s six-part series, originally published in The Irish Times on how you can help promote positive self-esteem, confidence and emotional wellbeing in children and teenagers. Click on the links below to read each article: Part 1: Building your child’s self-esteem Part 2: Love your children uniquely, not just equally Part 3: Helping your … Continue reading Building Self-Esteem in Children
My daughter hates secondary school
QUESTION Our 13-year-old daughter hates school. She is not able to give me a specific reason, just that she hates every minute of the day. She has a sad face going out every morning and a sadder one coming back in the afternoon. This can swiftly turn to anger depending on which way one might … Continue reading My daughter hates secondary school
My daughter is struggling with friendships
QUESTION My 10-year-old daughter is having trouble with some friends in school. It centres on her relationship with one girl who she expects to be a much closer friend than she actually is (this girl has lots of other friends and does not want to see my daughter as much as my daughter wants to … Continue reading My daughter is struggling with friendships
My son is always left on the sidelines at matches
QUESTION My son is under 12 and turns up for GAA training. He is often left on the sidelines, but as the ages get higher, it has got worse. Now they are bringing under-11s up to play matches while he stands around in the cold. I am sure it’s not the first time you have … Continue reading My son is always left on the sidelines at matches
My seven-year-old son struggles to go to sleep
QUESTION My seven-year-old son really struggles to go to sleep at night. His bedtime routine starts at 7.30pm – he has a bath, a small glass of milk and a bedtime story. He might read for a bit but he keeps finding excuses to come downstairs and he starts playing with anything he can find … Continue reading My seven-year-old son struggles to go to sleep
My son was bullied for a year before we knew
QUESTION Our 11-year-old son was bullied in school for over a year and it has affected him badly. Unfortunately, he was too scared to tell us but we found out eventually from his school. The bullying happened when my son was in fourth class. The other child was older, in sixth class, and is no … Continue reading My son was bullied for a year before we knew
My daughter worries about ‘bad’ things she has done
QUESTION Our eight-year-old constantly brings up “bad” things she has done in the past which she is worried about or which she feels guilty about. They are relatively minor things, such as a time when she did not share with a friend or when she was naughty in school. Some happened a long time ago … Continue reading My daughter worries about ‘bad’ things she has done
My son (10) is still mourning his grandad, four years on.
QUESTION My son is 10 years-old. His grandfather died four years ago after a two-year battle with cancer, when my son was six. There was a warm special bond between the two and he was understandably upset. However, even now, over four years on my son still seems to be grieving. He gets visibly upset … Continue reading My son (10) is still mourning his grandad, four years on.
How best to help my granddaughter with Selective Mutism?
QUESTION Arising from your recent article, I would like your advice on how to manage our granddaughter. She was very vocal with us until the age of four, albeit she was shy with other adults. She is now six and talks to her parents and her young friends but she has been muting with us … Continue reading How best to help my granddaughter with Selective Mutism?
My five-year-old has selective mutism
QUESTION My daughter is almost five years old and has gone through a year of playschool without speaking a word to the teacher or children there. She speaks freely at home but does not speak to extended family or anyone else. But she will speak to me, my husband and her brothers anywhere. She is … Continue reading My five-year-old has selective mutism
My 8-year-old can be quite judgmental of other children
QUESTION Have you any tips on how to deal with a child who sticks very much to the rules and can be quite judgmental? My daughter is eight years old and, at times, can judge others in a negative way. She doesn’t always say something negative but she has a “look” that other children definitely … Continue reading My 8-year-old can be quite judgmental of other children
Our daughter is struggling since the death of a classmate
QUESTION Six months ago my daughter, who has just turned 16, had to cope with the death of a girl in her class who died after a short battle with a serious illness. Our daughter was not particularly close to the girl but, as you can imagine, she was still very upset as were the … Continue reading Our daughter is struggling since the death of a classmate
My 11-year-old daughter is struggling with friends
QUESTION My daughter is 11 and going into 6th class this September, but she is having a difficult summer. She has always found it hard to make many friends as she can be quite shy and not forward in groups. This means she can be left out of some of the invitation lists for parties … Continue reading My 11-year-old daughter is struggling with friends
My six-year-old son is very negative and often in a bad mood
QUESTION My son, who just turned six over Christmas, can be very negative and grumpy. He whines all the time when he doesn’t want to do things. Even when we take him swimming, he can whine and moan and say he does not want to go – despite the fact he always enjoys it when … Continue reading My six-year-old son is very negative and often in a bad mood
Our teenager seems down in the dumps and withdrawn
QUESTION My 15-year-old daughter seems to be unhappy all the time, and my wife and I are worried about her. She seems down in the dumps and spends a lot of her time just moping around the house. This is something that has been slowly building over the past 12 months or so. She seems … Continue reading Our teenager seems down in the dumps and withdrawn
How can I bond with my son? We are always fighting.
QUESTION I seem to be fighting constantly with my four-year-old son. He is demanding and whingy, and I end up shouting all the time. I know a lot of it is my fault, because I don’t think I really bonded with him. I was depressed when he was born and then again two years later … Continue reading How can I bond with my son? We are always fighting.
How can I help my younger daughter move out of her big sister’s shadow?
QUESTION My three-year-old daughter lives in the shadow of her six-year-old sister. In some ways it is very cute – she follows her around all the time and looks up to her – but sometimes I think it is too much. She can be very passive and just lets her sister get her own way … Continue reading How can I help my younger daughter move out of her big sister’s shadow?
My 13-year-old son is addicted to online gaming
QUESTION My son, who is 13, is completely addicted to technology, particularly online gaming which he would happily spend the entire day on if he was allowed. It has got to the point where he barely engages in family life and is doing the minimum of homework. We are fighting all the time about it. … Continue reading My 13-year-old son is addicted to online gaming
How to talk to children about terrorism and murder?
QUESTION We have three children aged four, six and eight, and we are worried about the impact of all the bad news on TV on them, particularly the eldest. With the recent terrorist attacks and gangland killings, there has been a lot of bad news recently. We try to protect the children from it by … Continue reading How to talk to children about terrorism and murder?
Helping a perfectionist child
QUESTION My seven-year-old son can be really self-critical. When he can’t do something, he sometimes has a meltdown and starts saying that he is stupid or that he can do nothing or even that he hates himself. It is a bit shocking to hear him speak like this. I, of course, counteract this, saying that … Continue reading Helping a perfectionist child
I can’t love anyone, not even my baby
QUESTION I have just become a father and am finding it hard to feel much for my four-month-old daughter. I am very fond of her, but I don’t feel anything profound towards her. I feel pretty bad about it all and very guilty. Basically, I don’t think I can form emotional attachments. I’ve tried to … Continue reading I can’t love anyone, not even my baby
How should I explain my brother’s suicide to my son?
QUESTION: My brother took his life nine years ago. We were all devastated and, as a family, still find it hard to talk about it. At the time I did not tell my four-year-old son how his uncle had died, because I thought he was too young to know about suicide. He saw the whole … Continue reading How should I explain my brother’s suicide to my son?
Building your Child’s Self-Esteem
“Try not to become a person of success but rather a person of value.” Albert Einstein Parents frequently worry that their children have low confidence or feel self-critical or negative about themselves. Sometimes their concerns are localised to a particular area, such as a child being shy or having trouble making friends or feeling disconnected … Continue reading Building your Child’s Self-Esteem
Coping with Social Anxiety
QUESTION I am the mother of a 16-year-old boy who needs help dealing with situations where he feels uncomfortable. For example, when he meets new people he will not make eye contact, he shifts nervously and drops his head and shoulders. He avoids situations in which he has to talk to people he doesn’t know, and … Continue reading Coping with Social Anxiety
Fear of Mr. Tayto and Santa
QUESTION: My three-year-old son becomes very frightened of big-headed characters such as Mickey Mouse or even Santa, who he would not approach last year. This can lead to him throwing big meltdowns, and we are not sure how to respond. A few weeks ago we were at Tayto Park and he went ballistic at the sight … Continue reading Fear of Mr. Tayto and Santa
I feel guilty about shouting at my children
Q. If you have shouted or behaved badly with your children in the past, does this cause any long-term damage or is it possible to undo this negative experience with increased positive experiences? In the past I was very stressed as a parent, and though I never hit them, I used to get into constant rows with my children, especially my older son (now 16). In recent times, I have tried to be a bit more positive, which I do find works a lot better. However, I now find myself feeling really guilty about the way I behaved.
My daughter is upset about her father getting married
QUESTION I have one little girl who is seven years old. I separated from her father three years ago. It was acrimonious at the time but we are now getting on and he sees her twice a week with at least one overnight. He recently announced that he is getting married and my little girl … Continue reading My daughter is upset about her father getting married
Fear of dogs
QUESTION: My nine-year-old girl is generally a happy child, though sometimes prone to being a little anxious and shy. She has always been a bit nervous of dogs; I think it started years ago when a friendly dog jumped up and licked her. We thought she would grow out of it but, if anything, it has … Continue reading Fear of dogs
How do I explain my wife’s depression to the children?
Q. My wife has always suffered on and off from depression. This would often get worse when our children were born ( two boys and a girl, aged 8,6 and 5) but in recent years she has been coping well. We have supportive extended family on both sides and she works part-time. She has been on medication for the last six years and this has seemed to help her and she has been the full -time carer of the children in the home.
Our nine year old worries that we will divorce (even though we are happily married).
QUESTION: My nine-year-old daughter is extremely anxious. Despite me and her dad talking to her and reassuring her, she still seems to be very worried. Her main issue is that her dad and I will split up and remarry, despite being happily married to each other. We try not to argue in front of our … Continue reading Our nine year old worries that we will divorce (even though we are happily married).
My five year old girl won’t sleep in her own bed
QUESTION Since Christmas, I have had a problem getting my five-year- old daughter to stay in her own bed and sleep through the night. At Christmas she went from her normal 8pm bedtime to 9pm, andsometimes 9.30pm, because she was on holidays from school. Big mistake. Now she wants to stay in our bed and … Continue reading My five year old girl won’t sleep in her own bed
My nine year old is anxious and a big worrier. How can I help her?
QUESTION I have a nine-year-old daughter who is a gentle, empathic child but can be a real worrier. She gets herself into a state over just about everything. With the recent bad weather she was worried that we were going to have a flood or that something was going to be blown off the house … Continue reading My nine year old is anxious and a big worrier. How can I help her?
With a family history of anxiety and depression, I worry about my 4 year old
Q: I am writing to you in connection with my 4½ year old daughter. She is a lovely, caring, intelligent girl who is also great fun. However, I am worried about her. She has recently become very sensitive and can seem down in herself. For example, she often makes genuinely funny jokes and clever observations. If … Continue reading With a family history of anxiety and depression, I worry about my 4 year old
My nine year old is very anxious
QUESTION I believe my nine-year-old son suffers with anxiety problems. From time to time he gets so upset and tearful that he gets a pain in his tummy and clings to me or his mother, not wanting us to leave him. No amount of coaxing can get him to tell me what is wrong. I have … Continue reading My nine year old is very anxious
School refusal: My daughter panics at the thought of school
QUESTION My daughter, who is 13, is having terrible trouble getting to school. She is in first year of secondary school and wakes up each morning full of anxiety, and making as many excuses as she can about going. I can’t pinpoint anything in particular that is causing her to be worried, other than that … Continue reading School refusal: My daughter panics at the thought of school
Exam stress is overwhelming my anxious son
QUESTION My 15-year-old son is very anxious about his Junior Cert. It has got to the point where he is nearly having panic attacks at the thought of the exams. He has always been a bit of a perfectionist and an anxious child, but this is the worst I have seen him. How can I … Continue reading Exam stress is overwhelming my anxious son
My 10 year old is shy and finds it hard to make friends
QUESTION: My 10-year-old daughter is in fourth class. She has always been shy, particularly when she meets new people, but recently this seems to have got a lot worse. In her all-girls school, one girl she was particularly friendly with has joined another group of friends in the class and my daughter feels a little lost. … Continue reading My 10 year old is shy and finds it hard to make friends
Anxiety in Pregnancy: I worry that I won’t be a good mother
QUESTION: I am expecting my first child in three months and my partner and I are over the moon. We had a few problems conceiving and were overjoyed when it finally happened. However, in recent months I find myself growing increasingly anxious about becoming a mother and I have even woken up at night worrying about … Continue reading Anxiety in Pregnancy: I worry that I won’t be a good mother
Talking about a tragedy
The tragic death of 9-year-old twins Patrick and Tom O’Driscoll in Cork and their older brother Jonathan, is one of the most disturbing and heart-breaking news stories to read as a parent. We struggle to comprehend what circumstances might have led to such a tragic event and what could have been the state of mind … Continue reading Talking about a tragedy
My ex-wife is aggressive and I’m worried about my daughter
Q: I split up with my wife just over a year ago. Despite having lasted 10 years, it had been a very unhappy marriage. My wife constantly belittled me, and could be very aggressive and volatile towards me. Things went badly wrong after my daughter, who is now six, was born. My wife found parenting hard, and … Continue reading My ex-wife is aggressive and I’m worried about my daughter
New dad: I’m struggling to cope
QUESTION: My wife and I have a baby boy, who is four months old, and I am struggling to cope. I’m under pressure at work and there is pressure at home, minding the baby. My wife, understandably, is consumed by minding our son and is frustrated with me for not helping out more. I feel guilty … Continue reading New dad: I’m struggling to cope
How can I help my son manage his tics?
QUESTION Our eldest son is nearly eight years old. In the past couple of years he has developed several motor and vocal tics, and we are unsure how to help him deal with them. Up to last year we mostly ignored them and reassured him they would go away. However, he began to become more aware … Continue reading How can I help my son manage his tics?
My six year old has nightmares, how can we help her?
QUESTION: My six-year-old daughter often has nightmares in the middle of the night, sometimes twice a week. She can get very upset and then comes into our bed for comfort. What is the best way to help her? Is there anything causing them, and should we continue to let her come into the bed with … Continue reading My six year old has nightmares, how can we help her?
Help me deal with my teen’s insecurities
QUESTION: My 14-year-old daughter, who used to be a happy, confident child, has become quite introverted and lacking in confidence. She makes lots of comments, putting herself down and implying that she is not attractive. For example, when watching TV she will mention how some skinny girl on the screen is “gorgeous” or “has a great figure”, somehow … Continue reading Help me deal with my teen’s insecurities
How do I help my broken hearted son?
QUESTION: My son was going out with a girl for the past two years, since he was 15. They broke up a couple of months ago and, at the time, my husband and I were relieved as we thought it was becoming a little intense and distracting him from his studies. However, it has hit him hard … Continue reading How do I help my broken hearted son?
Our son is scared at night since burglary
Q: I was wondering if you could offer any advice with regard to our seven-year-old son and his sleep pattern. Over a month ago he learned of a break-in to a classmate’s house at night. He has since developed a fear of being left alone in his room and insists that we stay with him at … Continue reading Our son is scared at night since burglary
My eight year old is afraid of being kidnapped and won’t sleep alone
QUESTION We hope you may be able to help: our eight-year-old daughter has recently developed a fear of being kidnapped to the extent that she will now not sleep on her own or even go upstairs without someone going with her (preferably my husband or me). She has also developed some facial tics which may be … Continue reading My eight year old is afraid of being kidnapped and won’t sleep alone
How can we get back to a better family life after a tough year?
QUESTION: My wife and I have had a challenging and busy year. I was putting in crazy hours at work and then my wife was sick for a period, which became quite a health scare but thankfully she is through that now. We have three teenage children (13, 15 and 16) who are busy with their own lives and I … Continue reading How can we get back to a better family life after a tough year?
Trichotillomania: My daughter pulls out her eyelashes
Q: I’m a mother of two girls, who are 10 and eight. As with all kids, they are very different in many ways. Our elder girl will talk about her worries, but our eight-year- old daughter isn’t as good. She likes to keep the peace more than her sister does, and doesn’t like any confrontation. I … Continue reading Trichotillomania: My daughter pulls out her eyelashes
My triplets gang up on me
Q. We have four children, a 10-year-old girl and triplets (two boys and one girl). I look after them full-time at home and their father works full-time. I have just spent a weekend from hell with them. Their father went away for the weekend to visit his family. They were acting up all weekend and I had no support. I live in Dublin away from my family and dont know my neighbours. By the end of it I wanted to run away, I even packed a bag, passport, the whole lot. When my husband got home, he got me to calm down and we agreed we needed support.
Emotionally Intelligent Relationships: Part 1
‘Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.’
Aristotle
‘How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it?’
Marcus Aurelius
Emotionally Intelligent Relationships: Part 3
‘Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.’
Goethe
I worry about spiralling back into depression
Q. I am a mother to two children aged three and seven months. They are lovely children but I am finding it hard to cope. The long days get to me and I find myself at 9am, having been up for three hours already, wondering how I am going to get through the rest of the day. My husband is supportive, though he is under great pressure in his work and can only do so much. I did suffer from depression on the birth of my first child, but this time I thought things were going better.
My teenager has panic attacks, how can I help her?
Q. My daughter, who is just 15, has always been a bit of a worrier. Just about anything can make her anxious. Recently, things have got a little worse and now she occasionally suffers with panic attacks. Could you please give some tips on how to deal with them?
My 16 year old has been cyberbullied
Q. My 16-year-old daughter had become quite withdrawn and irritable the past few weeks. She eventually told me that she was picked on and bullied by another girl online. This girl is from around the area but goes to another school. She had met a boy at a disco a few months go and dated him a few times. He was an ex-boyfriend of this girl and she posted some nasty stuff about my daughter online.
My teenager is missing out due to anxiety
Q. My 14-year-old daughter has always been an anxious child . For a lot of her childhood she was afraid of the dark, going places alone and we would have to reassure her a lot (and often let her sleep in the bed with us). For a few years she was acutely afraid of dogs and then this lessened. I had hoped she was growing out of her fears but she continues to be a big “worrier” and I notice that she often avoids doing things she might like because of her fears.
How can I get our daughter back on track after a mental health crisis?
Q. My daughter (who is 15) has been unhappy since last September which seems to have started when her two friends betrayed her by siding with another girl and excluding her. Earlier this year she told me that she was feeling very low and that she had been cutting herself.
Parent Mental Health: Looking after yourself for the kids sake
Though becoming a parent brings many joys and satisfactions, it is inherently stressful and demanding and can take its toll on parents mental health. Parents can easily put all their energies into caring for and attending to their children, and sacrifice their own personal needs and self-care. Juggling the many demands placed on them, it is easy for parents to cut off from their natural supports or sources of rest or recreation, and over time become depleted stressed and burnt out.
Building children’s self esteem and confidence
‘Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.’ -Sigmund Freud
Will an OCD diagnosis for my teenager lead to stigma?
Q. Thank you for answering our question about how to help our son, who displays symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). My husband and I have a further question about the labelling aspect of having him assessed. Would carrying the OCD label be a burden for him?
If you suspect your child is being bullied or is a bully
Unfortunately, bullying isn’t uncommon, and in some surveys up to 40 per cent of children report experiencing or being involved in bullying at school. Many children who are targeted are already marginalised or struggling. Up to half of those who are bullied suffer in silence and don’t tell their parents or teachers what is going on.
OCD: Does my child have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?
Q. I have a 13-year-old son who is showing signs of anxiety and this is causing upset for him and for us. At mealtimes, he won’t use cutlery, bowls, plates or glasses that he deems “dirty”, and will go through the cutlery drawer, often laying the contents on the kitchen countertop, going through each one until he finds a knife, fork or spoon that is sufficiently “clean” for his use. He then repeats this routine for bowls, and so on.
My 13 year old is refusing to go to school
Q. My daughter, who is 13, is having terrible trouble getting to school. She is in first year of secondary school and wakes up each morning full of anxiety, and making as many excuses as she can about going. I can’t pinpoint anything in particular that is causing her to be worried, other than that she never really settled after the move from primary school. There are tears every day about going, and some days she point-blank refuses to go.
Teenagers and exam stress
Q. My 14-year-old son suffers from very bad exam stress and anxiety. He is now in second year and he finds it really hard to cope with the anxiety that exams cause him. Even though he is a straight-A student, he can get into a state about anxiety and will say he can’t do it, and that he is stupid, even though none of this is true. It causes great stress at home and I would love some advice on how best we can help him.
My 13 year old refuses to go to school
Q. My 13-year-old son has always been a little reluctant to go to school, but it has got much worse since he started secondary. He constantly refuses to go. The night before school he begins to get stressed and then the mornings are dominated by his anxiety. We manage to get him there most days, but it is daily stress for the whole family.
How can I support my shy child to make friends?
Q. My five-year-old is in junior infants. She is very shy and seems to be finding it hard to make friends. When I drop her off at school, the other children are chatting and playing with each other, while she seems very reserved and doesn’t join in. At home she is a happy girl and plays well with her cousins, but I have a sense she is not as happy in school.
My eight year old is too anxious to go to sleep alone.
Q. Our eight-year-old son does not want to go to sleep without one of us staying upstairs – he seems afraid of being upstairs on his own. We have talked about this to him and while he understands there is nothing to be afraid of, he seems stuck in the same response and doesn’t want to be left alone. If we do go downstairs, he remains very anxious in his bed and waits until we come back up or until we are going to bed before he will go asleep.
I’m worried my teenager may be suicidal
Q. A 16-year-old boy in my son’s school took his own life a few months ago. This was a big tragedy in the school and the local area, and we were all upset about it. My son (also 16) was particularly upset on the day of the funeral. He spoke openly about how shocked he was and that nobody knew that the boy was depressed. I think collectively they were upset as a group. Now, three months on, my son does not talk much about what happened. Recently, he has become very closed off and I wonder if he is a bit down himself.
How should I discuss suicide with my children?
Q. The many suicides of young people in the media have made me really worried as a parent. I have two teenagers – a boy of 14 and a girl who is just 16. As far as I know they are doing well, with the usual ups and downs of the teenage years. But sometimes I worry if I could be missing something. How could I tell if they were in distress or even suicidal? I don’t want to be morbid but you read in the newspapers how frequently the suicide came out of the blue and the parents never suspected a thing.
Dealing with whining toddlers
Q: I have a beautiful, lively and very articulate three-year-old girl. She can be very whingey and now this is escalating into cheeky behaviour. A typical scenario is that we are playing a game or completing a task together and, for no evident reason, she takes great exception to something. She whinges, “Maammyy . . .
PTSD: My teenage son is on edge since he was attacked
Q. Two months ago, my 14-year-old son and his friend were attacked by a group of boys in town who stole their phones. Since that time, my son has been anxious and on edge and particularly nervous about going out. As a result, his mother or myself have started accompanying him to and from school. We expected this might happen because of the incident and hoped he would get better and recover, but his anxiety remains.
How can I calm my child’s fear of death?
Q. My son, who will turn six soon, is afraid of death. He got very upset when I tucked him into bed last week and started to cry. He said he didn’t want to grow up as that would mean we (his dad and I) would get old and we would die. And that he wanted our family to stay together forever and didn’t want anyone to die.
Post Natal Depression: Tips for new fathers dealing with depression
TWO LARGE studies published in the US and Australia have shown that up to 10 per cent of fathers experience depression on the arrival of a new baby. This is twice the normal rate of depression for men at other times and similar to the rates of depression for mothers, suggesting men also experience some form of postnatal depression.
The study authors argue for this to be more widely recognised and for specific supports to be offered to new fathers as well as to mothers.
My teenager is depressed. How can we help him?
Q. I would like to ask for your help or advice in relation to a major problem that we have with our youngest child. He is just 15 and due to sit his Junior Cert this June. He is a quiet child by nature and never had a lot, if any, self- confidence, no matter how well he excelled at anything. In the past year or so he has lost all interest in sport, does no homework, has no close friends, and seems to have withdrawn into himself and I would say has become mildly depressed . . .
My 7 year old is anxious
Q. I have a seven-year-old son who all of a sudden has become “afraid of everything”. Although he has been anxious at times in the past, it has suddenly become worse, and now he wants someone to stay with him until he falls asleep. Previously, he had a good bedtime routine of going to the bathroom, reading a story, saying goodnight – all of which went without problem. Now, however, even during the day he is afraid of going outside the livingroom or kitchen to go to the loo.
How to bond with a ‘difficult’ negative child?
Q. I have three children, aged 12, 10 and six, and my problem is the youngest. He stresses me out in the way the other two never did. He whines and moans all day and is negative about everything. It can become a battle to get him to do the slightest thing. Every morning I find myself dreading what mood he might be in. When he is a bad one, he can make it a terrible day for all of us.
How to deal with my 5 year old’s anger?
Q. My five-year-old daughter has a habit of screaming and shouting when she gets frustrated and upset (for example when we have to say no to her). Her outbursts can last for a long time and are very wearing. My question is how can I teach her to express/deal with her anger/ frustration without screaming? I just keep saying, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Just say I’m angry with you but don’t shout it.” It doesn’t seem to be working though. I’m a bit confused about what to teach her about anger.
My 8 year old is very clingy
Q. I’m having a challenging time with my eight-year-old boy primarily related to his obsession with me at the moment – he constantly wants to spend time with me. He can be extremely moody and nasty at times, throwing tantrums, especially if I am not available to him or if I spend time with my two other children (aged four and five).
My child is obsessed with us dying
Q. My 11-year-old daughter (who is an only child) gets very upset at night when she is going to bed. She thinks both her father and I are going to be killed and she will be left alone. It doesn’t matter how often we comfort and console her, we get this at least three nights out of the seven. She says she cannot imagine not being able to talk to us every day and never wants to leave us. Then, in the morning, she is fine again. The only way she falls asleep is by holding onto one of us in her bed.
Our daughter’s phobias seem to be getting worse
Q. Our happy, outgoing, confident six-year-old daughter appears to be developing irrational phobias. To date, she is terrified of injections, dentists, wasps and to a lesser extent insects in general, tweezers and flying. She hasn’t had a bad experience with any of these things. It all seemed to begin last autumn when she became upset and hysterical while she and her siblings were getting their vaccinations. We were hoping it was a one-off as she had been okay with injections before this and had never had a bad experience.
My son has very low self esteem
Q. My 14-year-old son seems to have very low self-esteem and I am wondering how best to help him. He works hard at school and gets reasonable grades but he is very hard on himself and thinks he is the “worst” in the class. He takes an interest in sports and, in particular, GAA. He puts in the commitment and goes training every week, attending all the matches, but he feels he is always on the “B team” fighting for a place. He seems to have no confidence at all.
How can I help my shy 10 year old?
Q. My daughter is 10 years old and I am concerned about her. She is extremely shy to the point where she nearly becomes paralysed. She is very sensitive and emotional, thinks everyone is looking and talking about her and will not engage in school sports because she is afraid of being embarrassed. She allows herself to be bullied and is drawn to the weakest and youngest person in her class. She is an extremely kind and gentle girl and would never hurt anyone deliberately.
How can I help my child be more confident?
Q. I have a six-year-old girl who has been described as being both quiet and sensitive at school. She tends to be a perfectionist in things that she does and hates being wrong. She seems to lack confidence in her ability to do things. I would describe her as never entering into a competition if she feels she may fail and that includes social relationships. I worry that she might be missing out as a result. She is a complex character and I am wondering how I can help her cope with these feelings?
My son is anxious after being attacked.
Q. A few months ago my 10-year-son and his friends were playing in a park near our home when they were threatened by a group of teenagers, who pushed and shoved them and tried to rob them. My son ran to our house to get help and the police were called, and later apprehended the teenagers. My son and the boys were very upset by the incident. The guards were really good at handling the situation. They chatted to my son and tried to allay his worries. They told him that the teenagers were not from the area and unlikely to visit again.
My son doesn’t want to see his dad
Q. I am recently separated from my husband and have been in the family law court five times trying to sort out access arrangements for our six-year-old son. The court granted an interim protection order against his father due to excessive alcohol consumption mixed with antidepressants, and his behaviour was very distressing to both our son and myself. Following a psychologist’s report, he was granted day access with supervised handover and return.
My son is studying too much!
Q. My son is studying for the Leaving Cert this year. He is a well-motivated student, is keen to do well and has got into a routine of studying every day. Looking in from the outside, you might think that I have nothing to worry about, but the trouble is that I think he might be overdoing the study. Over the past few months he has let most of his extra-curricular activities go and stopped seeing a lot of his friends. We were initially pleased about this but now I notice he is much more stressed and anxious.
My two year old wants me all the time
Q. I have just finished a parenting course and, because of it, I have been giving my children more of my time and attention, and we are having more fun. I have three kids – six years , four years and two and a half years. My problem is with my youngest. He has gone from an independent little boy to one seeking my attention all the time. He follows me everywhere and won’t even stay with his dad. I’ve tried being calm and I try to ignore him when he is hysterical but all he wants is to cling to me. It’s starting to wear me out mentally and physically.
16 year old is very withdrawn and aggressive towards his mum
Q. I am writing to you because I am very concerned about my 16-year-old nephew who seems to have completely withdrawn from the world. His mother is a single parent and is really struggling with him. He spends the whole day in his room playing video games and does not go out or seem to have any friends. He sleeps funny hours and can be up most of the night in his room or watching TV downstairs and then sleeps for hours during the day. In the last school term he missed loads of days at school and seems to have effectively dropped out.
My daughter won’t go to sleep without us
Q. My four-year-old daughter won’t settle at night. In the evening she won’t go asleep unless I or her father are lying beside her. If I move away or leave her she comes out after me and can scream if I don’t go back to lie with her. Her screaming seems really heartfelt as if she is genuinely anxious about being left alone.
How can I support my shy child to make friends?
QUESTION My five-year-old is in junior infants. She is very shy and seems to be finding it hard to make friends. When I drop her off at school, the other children are chatting and playing with each other, while she seems very reserved and doesn’t join in. At home, she is a happy girl and … Continue reading How can I support my shy child to make friends?