Articles by John Sharry
How should we talk to our teens about divorce?
Parent Question:We will be going through divorce very soon and, as yet, we have not told our two children (my son is 13 and my daughter is 15). They know we don’t get on and sleep separately. We keep the atmosphere in the house as peaceful as possible for them. The mediator we worked with … Continue reading How should we talk to our teens about divorce?
We are separating, how can we help our children cope?
Parent Question: After a long process, my wife and I have decided to separate. We want to do it right for our two children, aged six and eight, and we are working hard to co-parent well. We are trying to have no conflict or arguments (well as little as possible) in front of the children. … Continue reading We are separating, how can we help our children cope?
My son’s father is not meeting up with him
Parent Question: My son’s father is not spending time with our 11-year-old son regularly. How do I explain this to my son?My ex has a history of multiple mental health issues. When we all lived together my son experienced those periods where depression caused his dad to withdraw. I tried to protect him from the … Continue reading My son’s father is not meeting up with him
Our son sees us argue and is upset
Question:We have been happily married for 10 years. We are immigrants in Ireland, and have no family around. We have some family friends (from our community whom we meet and hang out with on weekends) and have three children; the eldest is nine. My husband and I are extremely happy in our marriage. We have … Continue reading Our son sees us argue and is upset
Maintaining family wellbeing during the Covid-19 lockdown
With colleges, schools and childcare centres closed in most areas, the Covid-19 crises has instantly changed the lives of most families worldwide. Pushed tightly back into our family units without much outside contact, relationships have been put under pressure. Stressed parents struggle to balance working and caring for children all day and bored children have … Continue reading Maintaining family wellbeing during the Covid-19 lockdown
How do i deal with mum’s drinking without losing the kids?
Q. You recently wrote about a mother dealing with her ex’s drinking and I wondered how many men are in a similar position. I know I am. Mum drinks at home four or five nights a week, either on her own or with friends. The kids, who are teenagers, are watching this all the time. I protest about it and am told to mind my own business and threatened with separation and/or being thrown out of the house. The kids are now losing patience with it and get very cheeky with their mother when she has had a few drinks.
How do I explain my wife’s depression to the children?
Q. My wife has always suffered on and off from depression. This would often get worse when our children were born ( two boys and a girl, aged 8,6 and 5) but in recent years she has been coping well. We have supportive extended family on both sides and she works part-time. She has been on medication for the last six years and this has seemed to help her and she has been the full -time carer of the children in the home.
Is Dad coming to my First Communion?
Q: My daughter is making her First Communion this year. She is an only child and I separated from her father shortly after she was born. Unfortunately, he has had only intermittent involvement in her life. He worked abroad for the first few years, and I have brought her up largely alone, with a lot of … Continue reading Is Dad coming to my First Communion?
My 11 year is unhappy about my new relationship
Q: I’m the father of an 11-year-old girl. My wife died almost two years ago. I have recently started a new relationship with someone familar to my daughter (she has taken her shopping, babysat for her and so on before the relationship started), and my daughter is fond of her but since the start of … Continue reading My 11 year is unhappy about my new relationship
My violent ex-husband is seeking contact with our son
Q: I left a very unhappy marriage just under a year ago. My husband is a drinker and he can be aggressive and violent. I left with my son, who is now five, after an episode of violence that my son witnessed, and went to live with my mother. His father has not been in touch much … Continue reading My violent ex-husband is seeking contact with our son
My husband has betrayed me and our children
Q: My husband left me suddenly 18 months ago, after 20 years of marriage. I was completely shocked because I did not see it coming; we had our problems, but no more so than most couples. He said he had been unhappy for years and said he was waiting for the children to be in college … Continue reading My husband has betrayed me and our children
My ex-wife is aggressive and I’m worried about my daughter
Q: I split up with my wife just over a year ago. Despite having lasted 10 years, it had been a very unhappy marriage. My wife constantly belittled me, and could be very aggressive and volatile towards me. Things went badly wrong after my daughter, who is now six, was born. My wife found parenting hard, and … Continue reading My ex-wife is aggressive and I’m worried about my daughter
How can I rebuild bonds with my 14 month old?
Q: I separated from my wife two years ago when my daughter was 14 months old. It was a difficult time, with a lot of conflict with my wife, and I did not see my daughter for a few months. About four months ago I got back into regular contact with my daughter through the courts, … Continue reading How can I rebuild bonds with my 14 month old?
I want to see more of my baby. What are my legal rights?
QUESTION I am a separated father and my daughter is 10 months old. My relationship with my ex-girlfriend ended, and then she discovered she was pregnant. Since my daughter was born, things have been difficult with my ex and she allows me to see my daughter for only one or two hours each week. I … Continue reading I want to see more of my baby. What are my legal rights?
My son is unsettled after weekends with his father
Q: My seven-year-old son spends every second weekend (Friday to Sunday evening) with his father, my ex-husband. (We separated 18 months ago.) When he comes back from the visits he doesn’t talk to me about what went on over the weekend. He is often very tired and upset, and it can take a few days … Continue reading My son is unsettled after weekends with his father
My teenager blames me for the separation
Q: I split up with my wife eight months ago and it is becoming hard to see my 12-year-old daughter. She seems to be really angry with me and blames me for the separation. The marriage did finally end because I had an affair, but this was after years of problems. To make matters worse, my … Continue reading My teenager blames me for the separation
New Baby: We are fighting all the time
Q: My husband and I have a beautiful eight-month-old baby, but the problem is that my husband and I just seem to be fighting all the time. I feel alone and isolated minding the baby at home and he still expects me to do most of the housework. I appreciate that he is under a lot of … Continue reading New Baby: We are fighting all the time
My daughter resents my new partner
Q: I have been separated for just over three years and I have a nine-year-old daughter. She sees her dad about twice a week and the arrangement seems to work okay for everyone. I’ve recently started seeing someone new, and I’m worried that my daughter is not adapting well to the new situation. My new … Continue reading My daughter resents my new partner
We’ve drifted apart now the kids are gone
Q: I have been married for 26 years and have drifted apart from my husband to the point that we almost live separate lives. Our three children are all grown up and the youngest left to work in England last September. I also started back to work full-time a year ago and I love this – … Continue reading We’ve drifted apart now the kids are gone
How can we get back to a better family life after a tough year?
QUESTION: My wife and I have had a challenging and busy year. I was putting in crazy hours at work and then my wife was sick for a period, which became quite a health scare but thankfully she is through that now. We have three teenage children (13, 15 and 16) who are busy with their own lives and I … Continue reading How can we get back to a better family life after a tough year?
My partner has started smoking again
QUESTION I have been with my partner for eight years and we have a 12-month-old daughter together. The issue that really bothers me is that he started smoking again seven months ago even though he knows I hate it. He didn’t tell me at first and was hiding it from me before I found out – … Continue reading My partner has started smoking again
We argue over how to manage the kids, I’m alway’s bad cop.
QUESTION How important do you think it is for parents to present a united front to their children? How much of a problem is it when they don’t? We have three children who are seven, 10 and 14, and my husband and I are always arguing about how best to manage them. My husband is … Continue reading We argue over how to manage the kids, I’m alway’s bad cop.
Emotionally Intelligent Relationships: Part 1
‘Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.’
Aristotle
‘How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it?’
Marcus Aurelius
Emotionally Intelligent Relationships: Part 2
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Carl Jung
Emotionally Intelligent Relationships: Part 3
‘Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.’
Goethe
My son blames me for the separation
Q. I separated from my husband just under two years ago, mainly due to his drinking and gambling. It has been a hard couple of years though things are a lot better now. My ex has got his act together. He lives with his mother, has stopped drinking and gambling and sees the children regularly. The problem is my oldest son who turned 13 last month. He has become really cheeky and disrespectful to me at home. He has been really critical of me and everything I do.
Competitive Parenting
“It has bothered me all my life that I do not paint like everybody else.” Henri Matisse
Keeping a Happy Relationship After Children
AS WELL as bringing lots of joy, the arrival of children actually increases the stress on the parents’ relationship.
We argue over the best way to parent
‘Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.’
Henry Ford
Secondary Infertility: Trying to conceive a second baby is causing strain
Q: I am a mother of a beautiful two-year-old daughter, who will be three in a month, and though I would dearly love another baby, I am having trouble conceiving. My husband and I always imagined having a family of three or more children and I particularly wanted to have my children close together. I am … Continue reading Secondary Infertility: Trying to conceive a second baby is causing strain
My ex-wife is aggressive and I’m worried about my child
Q. I split up with my wife just over a year ago. Despite having lasted 10 years, it had been a very unhappy marriage. My wife constantly belittled me, and could be very aggressive and volatile towards me. Things went badly wrong after my daughter, who is now six, was born.
My partner is smoking again and I hate it
Q. I have been with my partner for eight years and we have a 12-month-old daughter together. The issue that really bothers me is that he started smoking again seven months ago even though he knows I hate it. He didn’t tell me at first and was hiding it from me before I found out – I could smell it off his breath though he tried to disguise it with mints. I am worried about his health as our baby’s father.
I’m dreading my first Christmas as a separated dad
Q. My wife and myself separated last February. We had not been getting on for several years and I finally moved out and now live with my father. I thought things might improve with us living apart, but in fact they seem to have got worse and it has been very hard the past year for me to see my two boys (four and six). Through the court, I have been granted weekend access and once during the week.
Helping my child build a relationship with her absent father
Q. Could you provide guidance as to how to help my daughter, who is three and a half years old, deal with her dad re-entering her life after an absence of one year or so? We split up shortly after she was born and he had some contact limited to odd visits after that, before he moved away for a year or so for work.
How can I make more time for family?
Q. Both my wife and I are working parents and, like many, we are struggling to keep working, pay the bills and be good parents to our three children (three, six and seven). My business has taken a nose-dive over the past few years and now I have to work longer hours to make the same money. My wife works part-time and is busy minding the kids which is hard work.
My husband gets angry with the kids
Q. My husband can get so angry with the children sometimes, especially when he is stressed and frustrated. He is otherwise a caring, involved dad and I don’t doubt that he loves our children. However, when they misbehave he can have a short fuse and ends up shouting and threatening them.
We’ve drifted apart since having children
Q: I feel very unhappy in my marriage and have done for some time. My wife and I seem to have drifted apart over the years. We are rarely sexually intimate and our relationship has become a bit routine and monotonous. We have three beautiful children – a five-year-old and twins, aged three – and this is the one blessing in our marriage.
Single Parenting my 3 year old
Q. I’m a single mum to a three-year-old boy. I’m also a mature student in college and lately I have noticed my son’s behaviour has changed and I’m wondering what the problem may be and what I can do to try to alleviate it. He is very outgoing and socially able but lately he is acting like a teenager and gets very cross and upset if he doesn’t get his own way. While I’m sure this is normal to some degree and he is only asserting himself, I feel his behaviour goes beyond this and I’m wondering is this something he is learning from me.
How to explain their father’s alcoholism to teenagers?
Q. My ex-husband had and still has a strong dependence on alcohol. We live separately and generally have a good working relationship. But occasionally the children’s father phones and may be under the influence of drink and says out-of-hand things. How do I help the children (aged 15 and 13) deal with this as the incident may not be acknowledged again yet can upset them, particularly my 15-year-old son, who is striving to have a relationship with his dad?
Introducing my child to a new partner
Q. I read your answer recently about the right way and time to introduce a new partner into a child’s life, (Read it here) and it has led to renewed discussion about this issue with friends of mine who are also single mothers.
My boyfriend wants me to meet his daughter, Is it too soon?
Q. My boyfriend of eight months has a five-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. He separated from his ex 18 months ago and sees his daughter a few times a week. Our relationship is going well and the question has come up about meeting his daughter. He has her for a full six days at the end of the month and he was wondering if we could all go away somewhere together for part of this. I feel a bit nervous about meeting her and am wondering if there is any advice or tips you can give to make it go well.
Should I leave my husband?
Q. I’ve been married for 19 years and over time I have grown apart from my husband to such an extent that now I feel deeply unhappy and want to leave. Though he has been a good father to our three children (14 to 18 years of age) I feel we have nothing in common as a couple and all my happy times are out with my friends and work colleagues. Often I dread coming home to him. We are rarely intimate and, to be honest, I don’t look forward to it. I don’t feel he is a bad man, it is just that we have drifted apart.
How to be a good stepmother
Q. I am due to get married soon and my partner has a six-year-old boy from a previous relationship. The plan is for him to live with his mother half the week and with us the other half of the week. I feel very daunted at the prospect of becoming a stepmother and I am aware of everything that can go wrong. Do you have any tips on making it go well?
My 13 year old daughter won’t accept discipline from my new partner
Q: I was a single mother for many years and then met a new partner four years ago. I have a 13-year-old daughter who was nine when she first met my partner. My partner has always been wonderful to my daughter and they get on great as a rule. However, she does not accept discipline from him and this causes lots of conflict particularly since she became a teen.
My daughter is behaving badly since our separation
Q. I have recently separated from my husband after 10 years of marriage. We have an eight-year-old daughter who lives with me but sees her father every other day for an hour or so and she stays over one night a week with him. In the past couple of weeks, she has been really acting up and won’t do anything I tell her. I seem to be shouting at her all the time and it’s really upsetting. I feel like a bad mother that I can’t even control my own child. She seems to behave for everyone else and her father does not seem to be having the same problems.
We’ve separated. Where can i get help for my son?
Q. I have just ordered your book When Parents Separate: Helping Your Children Cope as my partner and I have gone our separate ways. I would like to bring our 10-year-old son to talk things out with a counsellor. Is this a service you provide or do you know who does?
We’ve separated, How can I make their second house homely?
Q. My wife and I separated recently. There was no one else involved. We have two children (girls) aged eight and six. Both girls are happy where they live with an extensive network of friends. For practical reasons it was decided that I would move out of the family home. I have established myself in a new location about 10 minutes’ drive from the family home. My ex and I have decided that the children should stay with me on Wednesday and Saturday nights.
My son doesn’t want to see his dad
Q. I am recently separated from my husband and have been in the family law court five times trying to sort out access arrangements for our six-year-old son. The court granted an interim protection order against his father due to excessive alcohol consumption mixed with antidepressants, and his behaviour was very distressing to both our son and myself. Following a psychologist’s report, he was granted day access with supervised handover and return.
How do I deal with their mum’s drinking without losing the kids?
Q. You recently wrote about a mother dealing with her ex’s drinking and I wondered how many men are in a similar position. I know I am. Mum drinks at home four or five nights a week, either on her own or with friends. The kids, who are teenagers, are watching this all the time. I protest about it and am told to mind my own business and threatened with separation and/or being thrown out of the house. The kids are now losing patience with it and get very cheeky with their mother when she has had a few drinks.