Articles by John Sharry
We’ve drifted apart since having children
Q: I feel very unhappy in my marriage and have done for some time. My wife and I seem to have drifted apart over the years. We are rarely sexually intimate and our relationship has become a bit routine and monotonous. We have three beautiful children – a five-year-old and twins, aged three – and this is the one blessing in our marriage.
My daughter’s friends are excluding her. Is she being bullied?
Q: My daughter who is just eight fell out with one of the girls in her class and since then the girl has been ignoring her and this upsets my daughter. I initially tried to advise her to “move on” and find other friends but it seems that now some of the other girls have joined in and are ignoring my daughter and excluding her from games in the yard. I told my daughter I needed to talk to her teacher, but then she got upset and was worried it would make it worse.
My child is a perfectionist
Q. I have a six-year-old son who is a real perfectionist. He can get really angry and upset if events don’t pan out 100% as he had envisioned. For example, he might be drawing a picture and then get really mad if he makes a mistake and then can scrunch up the paper and throw it away. He can shout and scream for ages. It can also happen with other people, like when he is playing a game with a friend and he does not do it “perfectly” and this can lead to a falling out. I try to tell him it is okay, but he remains angry and upset for ages. What can we do?
My 2 year old has temper tantrums. How should I best deal with him?’
Q. We have two babies, a 22 month old and a five month old, so it’s busy to say the least, and both parents are also very tired. Our son is a super kid, loving, fun and gorgeous, but he definitely is developing a temper. It starts with something simple such as not wanting a nappy changed or wanting what is in a press for example, but if he does not get his way, he throws a tantrum. I understand this goes with the age, but sometimes he grabs my face or neck and really squeezes. What is my best way to deal with this?
My 2 yr old keeps slapping and squeezing other children
Q: My two-year-old son keeps squeezing other children’s faces or slapping their heads. I don’t think he is doing it out of boldness but it is getting him into trouble. He started play school this year and the teachers report him doing it to other children; when they get upset about it, he just laughs which makes things worse. I can see it when I take him to play centres: the other children are nervous of him when he starts “playing chasing” with them. At home we also get this behaviour when he is with other children.
How can we stop the tantrums?
Q: Our four-year-old son has always been a bit difficult – certainly more so than his siblings – but things seem to be taking a real turn for the worse of late. When things do not go his way, he can have a complete meltdown and throw a serious tantrum. Even if it is not an absolute refusal to grant him his wish – for example, “We can’t go to the park now but we will go later” – he will have a noisy and aggressive tantrum that frequently involves firing things, especially if he is sent to his room to calm down.
Irish Times Articles by John Sharry – Archive
John Sharry writes on parenting, relationships and family life in the Irish Times Newspaper every Tuesday. If you have a question for John, he may be able to answer it through the Irish Times, email him at healthsupplement@irishtimes.com
To see a list of upcoming seminars with John Sharry click here.
Hope in Hard Times: 1
“Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense regardless of how it turns out” – Vaclav Havel
ASIDE FROM the political and societal fallout of the recession, the ongoing crisis has taken its toll on the mental health of the nation.
Hope in Hard Times: 2
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Viktor E Frankl
Hope in Hard Times: 3
“Hope is something you create together” – Kaethe Weingarten
PSYCHOLOGICAL RESEARCH highlights the importance of hope as an essential precondition to human happiness, particularly in the face of loss, change and adversity. While hope is often considered an individual human trait or feeling, family therapist Kaethe Weingarten has conceived it as a shared creation between people.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘We argue over our aggressive 5 year old. Who is right?’
Q. We are having problems with our five-year-old son who can be pretty rough and aggressive with other kids. Last week the teacher called us in saying he was fighting with other children in his class. At home he can be really stubborn and throws tantrums when he does not get his own way and gives my wife a hard time at home especially when I am not there. My wife, who looks after him full-time at home, is really worried about it and thinks that something is wrong and that we should get him assessed professionally. I am not sure about this.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘We argue over our aggressive 5 year old. Who is right?’
Q. We are having problems with our five-year-old son who can be pretty rough and aggressive with other kids. Last week the teacher called us in saying he was fighting with other children in his class. At home he can be really stubborn and throws tantrums when he does not get his own way and gives my wife a hard time at home especially when I am not there. My wife, who looks after him full-time at home, is really worried about it and thinks that something is wrong and that we should get him assessed professionally. I am not sure about this.
My teenager’s bad attitude is causing rows
Q. Our 12-year-old daughter has a real problem with her attitude and is always giving us backchat and cheek. She argues with us over every rule and never backs down. She never accepts our explanations and always has to have the last word. Both myself and my wife try to ignore her when she is like this, but she is very persistent and we seem to be always ending up in row.
My son is being very difficult since we had the new baby
Q. My wife has just had our third child. She is everything you could ask for and has rocked our world in the best way possible. However, her big brother, who is four years old, is being a little git and is causing a lot of tension and heartache around the house. I appreciate he is acting up as he’s not the baby any more, but he is genuinely breaking my heart. He is the apple of my eye and always will be. I can’t even begin to describe what a smashing little fella he is, but at the moment neither myself nor my wife can handle him.
Our daughter’s phobias seem to be getting worse
Q. Our happy, outgoing, confident six-year-old daughter appears to be developing irrational phobias. To date, she is terrified of injections, dentists, wasps and to a lesser extent insects in general, tweezers and flying. She hasn’t had a bad experience with any of these things. It all seemed to begin last autumn when she became upset and hysterical while she and her siblings were getting their vaccinations. We were hoping it was a one-off as she had been okay with injections before this and had never had a bad experience.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘How can i organise the mayhem when I come home from work?’
Q. I have three children aged five, three and 18 months. My problem is that I find it very hard to manage their competing demands and they always seem to be fighting and squabbling. The problem is at its worst when I come in from work in the evening, when the children are swarming all over me demanding my attention. I’m trying to hear the news from the childminder so she can go home, so it is bedlam for a few minutes.
MISCELLANEOUS ARTICLES
COLUMN – ‘HOPE IN HARD TIMES’ SERIES
Part 1 – ‘Though the situation is grim, it is not hopeless’
Part 2- ‘Finding a silver lining amid the darkening clouds’
Part 3- ‘Revival of community is the key to our survival’
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘My son is very shy.’
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘My 3 year old won’t poo in the toilet.’
Q.I am writing for advice in relation to my three-year-old daughter who is the youngest of three girls as we have been having enormous difficulty in toilet training her. We first attempted to train her when she was two and a half and was showing signs of being ready, but had to stop after several weeks as there was no success. We started again six months later when she turned three and she has mastered staying dry relatively easily and now goes to the toilet by herself to do her wees.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘My 5 year old is very shy at school’
Q. My five-year-old started school last September. She is very shy and seems to be finding it hard to make friends. When I drop her off at school, the other children are chatting and playing with each other, while she seems very reserved and doesn’t join in. At home she is a happy girl and plays well with her cousins, but I have a sense she is not as happy in school. From the little she says about what happens in school, I think she finds the yard times particularly hard and I worry that she might be getting pushed around.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘Our son is jealous of the baby and we can’t handle his behaviour’
Q. My wife has just had our third child. She is everything you could ask for and has rocked our world in the best way possible. However, her big brother, who is four years old, is being a little git and is causing a lot of tension and heartache around the house. I appreciate he is acting up as he’s not the baby any more, but he is genuinely breaking my heart. He is the apple of my eye and always will be. I can’t even begin to describe what a smashing little fella he is, but at the moment neither myself nor my wife can handle him.
Our son is jealous of the baby and we can’t handle his behaviour
Q. My wife has just had our third child. She is everything you could ask for and has rocked our world in the best way possible. However, her big brother, who is four years old, is being a little git and is causing a lot of tension and heartache around the house. I appreciate he is acting up as he’s not the baby any more, but he is genuinely breaking my heart. He is the apple of my eye and always will be. I can’t even begin to describe what a smashing little fella he is, but at the moment neither myself nor my wife can handle him.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘My son is putting on weight.’
Q. Over the past year or so, our eldest son, who is just nine, has become rather rotund. His shoulders are broad and his arms and legs are solid but, even so, his tummy is pretty noticeable. He is 130cm tall and weighs 32 kilos. On an average day, he has two Weetabix with cornflakes for breakfast. Lunch at school is a wrap with ham or chicken, and a piece of fruit.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘My 7 year old is having tantrums.’
Q. I need advice on managing my seven-year-old son whose behaviour is having a very negative effect on the whole family. I have two other children, aged five and two. He is prone to very bad tantrums and sometimes quite aggressive behaviour. He also tends to whine about things a lot and can keep going on for hours if he is not getting his own way. Anything can trigger his tantrums – being asked to get dressed in the morning, a fight with his brother over toys, being asked to finish playing for dinner time.
‘What you can do if your child is being bullied or is a bully.’ An Irish Times Feature by Dr. John Sharry
Bullying isn’t uncommon, and in some surveys up to 40 per cent of children report experiencing or being involved in bullying at school. Many children who are targeted are already marginalised or struggling. Up to half of those who are bullied suffer in silence and don’t tell their parents or teachers what is going on.
Bullying behaviours can be physical and direct, such as slagging, intimidation and aggression, or more subtle and relational, such as exclusion, talking negatively about a child to others, or the silent treatment.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘How can I avoid family conflict over Christmas?’
Q. I find myself dreading Christmas this year. Because my parents live abroad, the expectation is that we will spend Christmas Day with my husband’s family. My husband has an up-and-down relationship with his family and there is always tension when they meet. Their father, who died three years ago, was a serious alcoholic and some of his brothers are heavy drinkers if not alcoholics themselves. His mother tries to cover everything up, but tensions flare at family gatherings.
Our son fails to grasp toilet hygiene message
Q. Our difficulty is with our six-year-old son, who is the middle of three children, with sisters younger and older than him. He is a very bright and charming boy, but has always been difficult to handle in terms of being very determined and stubborn about issues or behaviour that were important to him. This kind of behaviour has become increasingly easier as we can talk and explain more to him. The one area in which he is still totally resistant is toileting – and particularly wiping himself.
I think my teenager is smoking
Q. I think my 13-year-old daughter, who has just begun second year, has started smoking. One day last week, when she came in from school, I got the whiff of smoke from her. When I asked her was she smoking, she denied it and gave an elaborate story, which I didn’t believe, but left it at that. Two nights later, I searched her room and did find a packet hidden with a few cigarettes in it. I asked her about them and she said she was minding them for a friend (15 year old), which I didn’t believe either.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘Our daughter in obsessed with us dying.’
My son has very low self esteem
Q. My 14-year-old son seems to have very low self-esteem and I am wondering how best to help him. He works hard at school and gets reasonable grades but he is very hard on himself and thinks he is the “worst” in the class. He takes an interest in sports and, in particular, GAA. He puts in the commitment and goes training every week, attending all the matches, but he feels he is always on the “B team” fighting for a place. He seems to have no confidence at all.
My 17 year old daughter’s boyfriend is 21.
Q. I am writing to you in connection with my teenage daughter. She is 17 years old and is doing her final year at school. She is dating a guy who has just turned 21. While her father and I don’t agree with this we’re not sure how to go about it as we are afraid we will push her towards him even more if we tell her we don’t want her seeing him. He is not from our area and we don’t know much about him except that he works and, according to her, he has a good job. She is very cautious when we ask for information about him.
Teen tantrums are disrupting family life
Q: To what extent can hormone changes affect a teenager’s behaviour and mood? I have a 15-year-old son who, all in all, is very good in terms of his behaviour. However, he is almost six feet tall and his voice has broken, so when he is in a bad mood, his presence and mood are felt by the whole family.
My teenager is unmotivated and has left school
Q. I have a 16-year-old son who is driving us crazy with his carry-on. In September, he started in a new school, but in the first week he had a confrontation with the headmaster and the situation got to the stage where he no longer goes to school. He is lazy and unmotivated and hangs around with some very dodgy lads without our permission.
My 14 year old has lost interest in school
Q. My 14-year-old son has never really applied himself in school, particularly in the last year. As a result, it can be a battle to get him to sit down and do homework, and we seem to be always in conflict about this. Recently, he has started saying that he is not interested in school and that he wants to do other things.
My 13 year is challenging our rules
Q: Our 13-year-old son has become very difficult recently. He is displaying a constant “attitude” in the way he talks to us and acts as if this attitude is a “cool” way to behave. He is also challenging all our rules, saying none of his friends has the same rules. For example, we have told him he can’t go to town until he is 15, but he says all his friends go now at 13. My question is how can we discipline him when his friends don’t have the same rules and how can we deal with such an attitude?
My daughter won’t study or tidy her room
Q. My 15-year-old daughter isn’t studying or doing homework at all in this her Junior Cert year. She’s very disorganised, regularly leaves school books at home and refuses to clean her room, which hasn’t been cleaned in seven months. She gets very angry when I try to encourage her to study or clean, spends all her time on the mobile phone, and has no interest in sport, drama or the arts.
My son is studying so should I relax the rules?
Single Parenting my 3 year old
Q. I’m a single mum to a three-year-old boy. I’m also a mature student in college and lately I have noticed my son’s behaviour has changed and I’m wondering what the problem may be and what I can do to try to alleviate it. He is very outgoing and socially able but lately he is acting like a teenager and gets very cross and upset if he doesn’t get his own way. While I’m sure this is normal to some degree and he is only asserting himself, I feel his behaviour goes beyond this and I’m wondering is this something he is learning from me.
How to explain their father’s alcoholism to teenagers?
Q. My ex-husband had and still has a strong dependence on alcohol. We live separately and generally have a good working relationship. But occasionally the children’s father phones and may be under the influence of drink and says out-of-hand things. How do I help the children (aged 15 and 13) deal with this as the incident may not be acknowledged again yet can upset them, particularly my 15-year-old son, who is striving to have a relationship with his dad?
My 18 year old is becoming violent and angry
Q. My 18-year-old daughter is always angry and sometimes in a rage. At the moment I am sweeping up broken glass from the door she kicked in. She is becoming increasingly violent and it is frightening me. My husband wants her to leave the house. What can I do to manage this situation and where can I go to get her help (I lost my job so can’t afford much)?
My daughter wants contact with her father whom she has never met
Q. I’m a single mum of a 13-year-old girl. I have always been very close to her until recently when she has become very moody and secretive. Myself and my mother, who has been very involved in bringing her up, put it down to “hormones” and being a teenager, but recently she has been asking a lot about her father, whom she has never met. To give you the background, I had a brief relationship with her father, who lives in the UK. He was married at the time I got pregnant and never wanted anything to do with me since.
My 3 year old won’t go to bed
Q. My son, who is just three years old, is terrible at bedtime. We are trying to get a new routine going, for example, at 8.15pm we get him dressed for bed, read three stories, chat about our day, kiss night night, etc. Then the trouble starts, first with him calling from his bed for “another kiss”, “one more story”, “a juice” . . . whatever takes his fancy. We try to ignore him like we have seen on television programmes and when he comes downstairs we just bring him back to his bed, saying nothing.
My toddler won’t stay in her own bed
Q: I’m seeking advice on my toddler who is just over two and a half years of age. She has slept in the bed with both of us until last year. When she actually kept telling my husband, “No daddy” in the bed, he had to give in to her tantrum as it was easier. She now sleeps in our bed with me and my husband sleeps in her room. In order to go to sleep she pulls my hair, which has also become very troublesome. She wakes during the night for several hours which can be very difficult. Last night, she woke from 3.30am until 7.30am, when she fell asleep.
Egg Donation: Should I tell my kids how they were conceived?
Q: I would very much appreciate your advice. We have twins, four years old, conceived using an anonymous donor’s eggs. We have always felt that they should be told the truth about how they were conceived. I would be very grateful for any advice you would have for us. Is it still felt that it is best to tell the children how they were conceived, even though they will never be able to trace the donor? At what age is it best to begin to tell children? Are there any books/web resources available that would help in this process?
My 2 year old wakes us early every morning
Q. I am a 35-year-old mother of two. My daughter is four and half and my son is two and a half. My son is a very early riser, waking most days at 5.50am. I have tried ignoring his calls for me, but he just keeps calling out, so I go into him, tell him it’s too early to get up and try and settle him back. Sometimes this works for a short while, but for the most part he will settle for five minutes only to resume his calling for me. I go into him again after ignoring him for as long as I can, but nothing will settle him back to sleep.
My daughter’s habit at bedtime has become a worry for us
Q. We have a four-and-a-half year old daughter who is lively, intelligent and friendly and she gets on great with her little sister. Sometimes she can be a little nervous at times or want things done a particular way, though this is nothing unusual. The concern I have is around masturbation. She plays with herself down there constantly. I know a certain amount of this is normal for a little girl, but that hand is in there a lot. She does it, not always, but frequently, to help her go to sleep.
My 3 year old is afraid of using the toilet
Q. My three-and-a-half year old son is absolutely petrified at the thought of toilet training. We have tried several times with him. He becomes anxious, aggressive and even gets to the point of becoming sick (he got a bad viral infection the last time we tried). We have taken nappies off him, bribed him, done reward charts, promised him a much sought after toy – all to no avail. I have physically put him on the toilet and he has weed twice – both accidentally.
My 4 year old is jealous of the baby
Q. I have a four-year-old daughter and I find we are in constant battle with each other. Everything from getting dressed in the morning to meal times is met with constant whining and arguments. She spends a lot of time with her grandmother and, being the only grandchild until recently, she was used to getting undivided attention at home and at her gran’s. However, since my three-month-old son has been born, I have not been able to give her the same level of time, and our relationship has become very difficult and strained.
Toilet training: My 3 year old won’t poo in the toilet
Q. I am writing for advice in relation to my three-year-old daughter who is the youngest of three girls as we have been having enormous difficulty in toilet training her. We first attempted to train her when she was two and a half and was showing signs of being ready, but had to stop after several weeks as there was no success. We started again six months later when she turned three and she has mastered staying dry relatively easily and now goes to the toilet by herself to do her wees.
Should I stop my son’s naps?
Q: We are having trouble getting our three-year-old son settled going to bed at night. We try to have a regular bedtime of 7.30pm but often he is not tired and he can keep getting up and not get to sleep until 9:30pm. Even if he goes to bed this late he does not sleep any longer in the morning and always gets up at 6am or even earlier, though he can be cranky during the day. He tends to have a nap in the afternoon and we were advised previously to try to stop this.
My two year old is acting like a bully
Q. My son whom I cherish and adore seems to be a bully. He attacks other children for no reason whatsoever. He pushes, shoves, pulls clothes, scraps, slaps them, and so on. Today, we were at music class and he carried out four attacks, one of which was quite nasty. The other little boy got a few scrapes on his face. I have tried the “Do not do that, it’s not nice and it hurts” and when I ask him to say sorry he goes over and kisses them and gives them a hug. He is a very affectionate boy, but he would turn around and do it again in a few minutes.
How can i get my daughter to play nicely?
Q. My four-year-old twin girl gets very grumpy and upset when with other children of the same age when they visit her at home. Sometimes she can even become aggressive and storm off to her room and then after an hour or so she comes back to herself and plays nicely. This also happens when we go out socially. If visiting friends she gets very excited and disruptive, and becomes almost naughty showing off. As a consequence we do not visit people. We are not sure how to help her cope.
Our sons are always fighting when they meet up
Q. My son is 21 months old and is generally a happy little man. He has a few friends from creche and plays quite well with each of them. A good friend of mine also has a 21-month-old boy, but whenever we meet up the two boys end up waging war over one toy or another.
Our daughter is fighting and biting in creche
Q. We have a 2½-year-old daughter whose behaviour is causing a lot of worry and concern. She has a 4½-year-old sister and I am expecting my third child in three months. The main problem is her behaviour in creche. For about a year now she has intermittently gone through a biting phase, which at times has been relatively mild with only one or two incidents a week to many attempts in any one day.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘Our son is jealous of the baby and we can’t handle his behaviour’
Q. My wife has just had our third child. She is everything you could ask for and has rocked our world in the best way possible. However, her big brother, who is four years old, is being a little git and is causing a lot of tension and heartache around the house. I appreciate he is acting up as he’s not the baby any more, but he is genuinely breaking my heart. He is the apple of my eye and always will be. I can’t even begin to describe what a smashing little fella he is, but at the moment neither myself nor my wife can handle him.
My four year old is bossy and demanding with other kids (Social Skills)
Q. I have a four and half year old son and he is an only child. He was born after many years of trying so we feel lucky to have him. We would have liked for him to have a brother or sister but it seems now that I can’t have any more children. My husband and I have lots of time for him and he is the centre of our life. However, I do worry about how he gets on with other children. He can be very bossy and demanding. While my husband and I put up with this, this is not the case with other children.
My toddler bit me
Q. We have just had a new baby son and all is going well. We have an older girl (21 months) who loves her baby brother and gives him lots of hugs and kisses and shows him so much affection. However, there is just one thing that she started yesterday and that was biting. She was being a bit rough with baby and I asked her to be gentle and she tried to bite me. I did the whole calming talk and told her biting was bold and we just moved on with what we were doing.
Our little girl needs her teddy all the time
Q. We have a five-year-old daughter who is very attached to her teddy which she seems to need all the time. Very often her mood can be hugely influenced by the availability or not of the toy. Should we allow a limitless contact with the teddy, even if a side effect is sucking her thumb and possibly affecting her teeth? She is generally a very good child otherwise.
How can I get rid of my 3yr old’s soother?
Q. I have a three-year-old girl who is very attached to her soother. It used to be kept in the cot but came out of there and was used more when her baby brother came along 10 months ago. We have succeeded in keeping the soother confined to the house but trying to get her to keep it in the cot leads to a lot of tears. Her brother has one but only in the cot. I would like to see the soother put back in the cot or gone altogether. Should we try to take it off her altogether or try to get her to leave it in the cot.
My shrieking twins are driving me mad
Q. My two-year-old twin daughters are in general lovely, happy children but they tend to shriek a lot at high volume at the slightest thing. If one of them takes a tumble for example, even though it’s obvious they are not hurt, the high-pitched squawking starts. Several people who are around children a lot say they have never heard anything like the sound they make. What makes it worse is that the girl nothing has happened to will, most of the time, start shrieking as well, as though in sympathy or in a bid to get attention.
I yearn for a baby girl in a house full of boys
Q: I have four beautiful children, all boys, aged eight, six, four and 14 months, who are all doing well. I know I should be happy with my lot, but I am constantly obsessing about not having a daughter, which I always hoped for. I became very depressed after the birth of my third boy and I put this down to being disappointed at not having a girl. We went on to have a fourth child and this was down to me pressurising my husband to try again. He was initially dead set against having a fourth, but gave in when he saw how much it meant to me.
Is there a difference in bringing up boys and girls?
Q. I have one daughter and two younger sons under six. I come from a family of all girls and, in turn, my sisters have all girls. I am conscious that my sons have a lot of female influences (although their dad, who is very hands-on, was once a young boy!). I wonder whether there are any special tips you could give me about bringing up boys. They are both very happy little fellas, but I suppose I am a bit paranoid that between us all the girls will turn them into sissies.
Raising an only child
Q. I have one six-year-old son. My question relates to his being an only child. Most of my friends and family have more children and I worry about him feeling different. What are the pros and cons for only children? Are they at a disadvantage? Do they lose out by being an only child? How can we ensure he doesn’t feel different and that he grows up happy?
Why has bilingual approach stalled?
Q. My three-year-old son has grown up with German and English as his first languages. As his mother, I have been speaking German to him since he was born, and my Irish husband has spoken to him in English. So far, he has managed really well. His speech has been very clear in both languages from about two-and-a-half years of age. We live in Ireland and clearly he is surrounded by an English-speaking world. However, when we go to Germany, after a few days he always manages to tune into German without problem.
Is my daughter ready for primary school?
Q. My daughter, who will be four in August this year, is enrolled to start primary school in September 2011 when she will be just gone five. She has been in creche from a young age and has been following the Montessori programme since September last. She is a bright child who shows a keenness to learn as well as an ability to understand things. I have recently heard that a few of her classmates, of similar age, are enrolled for starting in primary school this September. This has made me revaluate our decision.
My child doesn’t want to go to preschool
Q: I am worried about my four year old starting a new Montessori in September. Last May and June, I started him four mornings a week in a playschool and there were problems going in each morning as he used to get very upset at the door when I left him. His worry about going would start the moment he got up in the morning, when he would immediately say he “didn’t want to go” and he would resist getting dressed and into the buggy and so on. His anxiety would build and he could start crying even before we arrived at the playschool.
Introducing my child to a new partner
Q. I read your answer recently about the right way and time to introduce a new partner into a child’s life, (Read it here) and it has led to renewed discussion about this issue with friends of mine who are also single mothers.
My children are TV addicts, how can I stop it?
Q. My two sons (aged five and seven years) would watch TV all day if I let them. This has been particularly the case over Christmas. This leads to battles as I try to get them to switch it off and do something else more healthy. My seven year old in particular seems to be addicted and he gets into a real strop when I turn it off. Do you think TV is addictive? And how much TV should I let them watch or should I get rid of it altogether?
RELATIONSHIP ARTICLES
My son has been watching porn on his phone
Q. We bought our 17-year-old son a smartphone five months ago for his birthday. He had been pressing to get one for ages, “like all his friends”, and we finally gave in. He was out the other day and had forgotten to take his phone with him, which is unusual as it is normally welded to him. I took the opportunity to look at it. I know I shouldn’t have, but I was curious to see what he was up to on it. Looking at his history and apps I discovered he was regularly accessing porn and adult sites. As his mother, I was a little shocked.
Learning to make friends
Q. The vast majority of discussion on children naturally concerns the parent-child relationship. But the whole area of sociability with other children is such a huge part of their early development, and potentially affects how they interact with others in later life. I have three children aged four to seven, and my question is around how important it is for me as a parent to help them learn to make friends? Some children are naturally gifted at engaging while others struggle.
My daughter is very fussy about getting dressed
Q. I am a mother of five-year-old twin girls and have been having ongoing problems with one of them in relation to dressing. When she was younger she was always a bit fussy/temperamental when it came to what she wanted to wear which I just put down to her personality. However, it is now a real problem. She creates a fuss most mornings saying she doesn’t like her vest/ T-shirt/pants/whatever and that it’s annoying her. Sometimes I think there must be some kind of sensory thing going on but then other times I think she’s just playing up.
How to get the balance right with after-school activities?
Q. We have three children aged nine, seven and four, who have busy social lives full of activities. Often, I feel that I have got into role of a chauffeur as they seem to want to do everything! With the new school year looming, I am wondering how do you get the balance right with after-school activities – I want to cultivate their interests, of course, but I don’t want to be “running around” all the time.
My daughter is being called a bully
Q: Last week I was called into the school and told that my nine-year-old daughter was involved in bullying another girl. I was shocked as this came out of the blue. What seems to have happened is one girl in the class has fallen out with my daughter and a few of her friends. Now the other girl has no friends and the teachers say my daughter and her friends have been excluding her and leaving her out all the time. My daughter more or less told me this when I asked her about it.
How can I help my shy 10 year old?
Q. My daughter is 10 years old and I am concerned about her. She is extremely shy to the point where she nearly becomes paralysed. She is very sensitive and emotional, thinks everyone is looking and talking about her and will not engage in school sports because she is afraid of being embarrassed. She allows herself to be bullied and is drawn to the weakest and youngest person in her class. She is an extremely kind and gentle girl and would never hurt anyone deliberately.
Our son has a ‘girly’ side
Q. Our five-year-old son, the youngest of three boys, has always been drawn to what he calls “girly things”. He loves dolls, buggies, magazines aimed at young girls, etc. Apart from his brothers, most of his friends are girls. We have always accommodated his preferences as much as possible, although I’ve drawn the line at allowing him to leave the house in a princess dress as I don’t want people to laugh at him or bully him.
Big sister is mean to the younger one
Q. I have two daughters, the eldest is nearly five and the younger nearly three. My eldest is very aggressive towards her younger sister. She screams in her face constantly, despite being told it’s not acceptable. She will pinch, push, grab toys, etc. The younger girl is a very easy-going happy child, but I am very worried about the constant bullying she endures. She will try to kick, hit or, on occasion, spit at me or my husband, particularly when we intervene in any incident. We have tried talking to her and explaining that it’s rude.
Families Coping With Financial Downturn
Anything that does not kill me, makes me stronger – Nietzsche
Should I leave my husband?
Q. I’ve been married for 19 years and over time I have grown apart from my husband to such an extent that now I feel deeply unhappy and want to leave. Though he has been a good father to our three children (14 to 18 years of age) I feel we have nothing in common as a couple and all my happy times are out with my friends and work colleagues. Often I dread coming home to him. We are rarely intimate and, to be honest, I don’t look forward to it. I don’t feel he is a bad man, it is just that we have drifted apart.
My teenagers don’t talk to each other
Q: I am a mother of three teenage children – a girl of 14 and two boys age 16 and 19. The problem is there is no communication between them. It is not that there are rows between them, just not much communication. It seems as if they are living their separate lives without talking to one another. This has been going on for a long time – maybe four years or more – and it went unnoticed for quite a while. I can’t identify a particular starting point or cause of the problem.
My boyfriend wants me to meet his daughter, Is it too soon?
Q. My boyfriend of eight months has a five-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. He separated from his ex 18 months ago and sees his daughter a few times a week. Our relationship is going well and the question has come up about meeting his daughter. He has her for a full six days at the end of the month and he was wondering if we could all go away somewhere together for part of this. I feel a bit nervous about meeting her and am wondering if there is any advice or tips you can give to make it go well.
My 13 year old daughter won’t accept discipline from my new partner
Q: I was a single mother for many years and then met a new partner four years ago. I have a 13-year-old daughter who was nine when she first met my partner. My partner has always been wonderful to my daughter and they get on great as a rule. However, she does not accept discipline from him and this causes lots of conflict particularly since she became a teen.
How to be a good stepmother
Q. I am due to get married soon and my partner has a six-year-old boy from a previous relationship. The plan is for him to live with his mother half the week and with us the other half of the week. I feel very daunted at the prospect of becoming a stepmother and I am aware of everything that can go wrong. Do you have any tips on making it go well?
My daughter is behaving badly since our separation
Q. I have recently separated from my husband after 10 years of marriage. We have an eight-year-old daughter who lives with me but sees her father every other day for an hour or so and she stays over one night a week with him. In the past couple of weeks, she has been really acting up and won’t do anything I tell her. I seem to be shouting at her all the time and it’s really upsetting. I feel like a bad mother that I can’t even control my own child. She seems to behave for everyone else and her father does not seem to be having the same problems.
My child has a needle phobia
Q: My four-year-old daughter has to go for an annual check-up at a children’s hospital in September. Getting her bloods checked is always a part of this, which of course involves them using a needle. She has become very aware in the past year about needles, from playing doctor with friends and knowing that her baby sister has been getting vaccinations, and she has often talked about “needles” and whether she will ever have to get one.
My daughter’s phobias seem to be getting worse
Q. Our happy, outgoing, confident six-year-old daughter appears to be developing irrational phobias. To date, she is terrified of injections, dentists, wasps and to a lesser extent insects in general, tweezers and flying. She hasn’t had a bad experience with any of these things. It all seemed to begin last autumn when she became upset and hysterical while she and her siblings were getting their vaccinations. We were hoping it was a one-off as she had been okay with injections before this and had never had a bad experience.
How can I change my son’s eating habits?
Q: When I took my seven-year-old son to the GP last week for an ear infection, he made a comment about him being very overweight for his age. I was a bit taken aback because I hadn’t really thought about this before. He does have a relatively balanced diet at home, but can overeat on cakes and biscuits, and tends to eat a lot of crisps and fizzy drinks. He also is not that active. We have tried to get him to join the GAA, but he has not really taken this up.
My 6 year old is a fussy eater
Q. I have a six-year-old son who is becoming more and more fussy when it comes to meal times. His diet is quite limited in terms of meals. He tends to eat only one thing at a time, so for example would eat sausages or chicken nuggets but does not eat anything that would go with it such as any type of veg or potatoes. He won’t eat potatoes in any form, chipped, roasted, boiled or mashed. Of the limited amount of food he will eat at the table, he is becoming even fussier.
How can I help my child be more confident?
Q. I have a six-year-old girl who has been described as being both quiet and sensitive at school. She tends to be a perfectionist in things that she does and hates being wrong. She seems to lack confidence in her ability to do things. I would describe her as never entering into a competition if she feels she may fail and that includes social relationships. I worry that she might be missing out as a result. She is a complex character and I am wondering how I can help her cope with these feelings?
How to explain teenage pregnancy to my girls?
Q. My 17-year-old niece, who has always being a bit wild and impulsive, has just announced she is pregnant. She is no longer with her boyfriend, so it is likely she will be parenting alone. Although they are putting on a brave face publicly, I know my sister and her husband are privately devastated because they think she is too young – my sister has told me in the past that this is her worst fear. My question is about what to say to my own two girls (aged eight and 12) about the news. They see a lot of my niece and are very fond of her.
My 9 year old wants a TV in the bedroom
Q. Are there any circumstances where it is a good idea for children to have a TV in their bedroom as my nine- year-old son is pushing for one? I know the general advice is that it is not a good idea and normally I would be against it. However, a friend of mine says she finds it useful for her son as it allows him to retreat into his room for 30 minutes or so of downtime and she sees no harm in this.
My son is putting on weight
Q. Over the past year or so, our eldest son, who is just nine, has become rather rotund. His shoulders are broad and his arms and legs are solid but, even so, his tummy is pretty noticeable. He is 130cm tall and weighs 32 kilos. On an average day, he has two Weetabix with cornflakes for breakfast. Lunch at school is a wrap with ham or chicken, and a piece of fruit.
We’ve separated. Where can i get help for my son?
Q. I have just ordered your book When Parents Separate: Helping Your Children Cope as my partner and I have gone our separate ways. I would like to bring our 10-year-old son to talk things out with a counsellor. Is this a service you provide or do you know who does?
Facts of Life: At what age should we tell our children about sex?
Q. My nine-year-old daughter asked me out of the blue last night, “How do you get a baby?” I was a little shocked and, as I was thinking what to say, she then told me that her friend told her that “the boy and girl have to have sex”. She then became shy about it and didn’t say any more. I changed the subject and asked her how her friend could think she would know about these things. She told me her friend had heard it from an older sister. I didn’t say any more and the conversation then moved on.
My son is anxious after being attacked.
Q. A few months ago my 10-year-son and his friends were playing in a park near our home when they were threatened by a group of teenagers, who pushed and shoved them and tried to rob them. My son ran to our house to get help and the police were called, and later apprehended the teenagers. My son and the boys were very upset by the incident. The guards were really good at handling the situation. They chatted to my son and tried to allay his worries. They told him that the teenagers were not from the area and unlikely to visit again.
Helping Children with Nightmares
Q. Our six-year-old son is a happy, outgoing, enthusiastic little boy. A few months ago he started having nightmares most nights, and wakes up hysterical on occasion. He is now getting upset at bedtime saying that he doesn’t want to go to sleep because he is afraid of having one. He has no computer games, watches age-appropriate TV and, likewise, his books are age appropriate, so he is not exposed to violent or frightening programmes or stories.
What age should I let my child have a mobile phone?
Q. What age should you give a child a mobile phone? My nine-year-old daughter has been pestering me for one. I am concerned about giving her one so young because you hear about so many problems with inappropriate texts or even bullying on the phone. She wanted one for Christmas, but I managed to put her off and she got something else. But I know she is going to start asking again now in the new year.
Can I put a stop to my son’s wish on Santa’s list?
Q. My eight-year-old son wants an Xbox from Santa this Christmas. Now I am a little worried about him getting this as I think the games can be a little violent – certainly the ones he is talking about wanting to play – and I’d prefer him to ask for something else and not get an Xbox for a few years. He already has a Wii and a Nintendo DS, so he has plenty of gadgets. However, I don’t want to disappoint him either and he has already written to Santa about this.
How can we explain that we can’t afford our kid’s christmas wishes?
Q. Normally my two children (six and eight) get loads of presents at Christmas. However, this year my husband lost his job and finances are much tighter in the family. I don’t know how to explain to my children that they will be getting a lot less this year. Both myself and my husband feel we are letting them down. We’re both pretty down about it and normally we really love Christmas. The children are asking about things they would like that I know we can’t really afford and I don’t know what to say.
How do I explain cancer to my children?
Q. I am the mother of two children, aged eight and 10. Six weeks ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. So far I haven’t told my children and have just said to them that I have been a little sick to explain the trips to the doctor. But now I am due to begin chemotherapy, and with all that entails, I realise I should tell them more now. I am trying to be hopeful about the future and my husband is a great support and we are committed to fighting this together. I am wondering about what to tell the children.
We argue about our aggressive five year old
Q. We are having problems with our five-year-old son who can be pretty rough and aggressive with other kids. Last week the teacher called us in saying he was fighting with other children in his class. At home he can be really stubborn and throws tantrums when he does not get his own way and gives my wife a hard time at home especially when I am not there. My wife, who looks after him full-time at home, is really worried about it and thinks that something is wrong and that we should get him assessed professionally. I am not sure about this.
Coping with Eating Disorders
Q. My 19-year-old daughter was diagnosed with an eating disorder about nine months ago, and has been attending a clinic on an outpatient basis ever since. Although she has made some progress, my husband and I are increasingly worried about her as she refuses to eat the required amount of food the clinic recommends, and is very underweight.
How will 2 year old cope with my overseas job?
Q. I have been offered a role abroad which I am considering taking, but to reduce any upheaval my wife and two-year-old son will remain in Ireland. However, I am concerned as to the effect my removal from my son’s daily life may have and would be grateful if you could let me know what the possible impact of such a move would be on him. I know I will see him every month or so, but I am concerned it may affect him at this early stage of his life.
My son doesn’t want to see his dad
Q. I am recently separated from my husband and have been in the family law court five times trying to sort out access arrangements for our six-year-old son. The court granted an interim protection order against his father due to excessive alcohol consumption mixed with antidepressants, and his behaviour was very distressing to both our son and myself. Following a psychologist’s report, he was granted day access with supervised handover and return.
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My mother-in-law is very opinionated about my parenting
Q. Would you have any advice in dealing with in-laws? I have a three-year-old and a 13-month-old. The problem is my mother-in-law constantly comes over unannounced and she spends lots of time here. It wouldn’t be so bad if she wasn’t always giving her tuppenceworth in how I rear my kids, particularly on how I manage my three-year-old’s tantrums and whinging. Frequently, she makes really critical comments, such as the other morning when she came over and said, “Are they not dressed yet?” to suggest somehow I was disorganised.
How will my husband cope with our clingy baby?
Q: My youngest son, who is 12 months old, is very clingy to me. I am a full-time mum, so he is with me more or less all the time. This is particularly during the evening when he will let only me put him to bed. When his father tries to take over, he can become really distressed and calls out for me. As a result, it has always just been easier for me to put him to bed while my husband settles the two older children.
We’ve separated, How can I make their second house homely?
Q. My wife and I separated recently. There was no one else involved. We have two children (girls) aged eight and six. Both girls are happy where they live with an extensive network of friends. For practical reasons it was decided that I would move out of the family home. I have established myself in a new location about 10 minutes’ drive from the family home. My ex and I have decided that the children should stay with me on Wednesday and Saturday nights.
Can my alcoholic father-in-law be trusted with a new baby?
Q.We are expecting our first child, and as we both work, we have begun discussing the various options available to us for day care. The main issue that has cropped up is how to collect our child from day care around our work schedules. One option is to ask my father-in-law. He is free on weekdays and all too happy to help out. However, he is an alcoholic. He lost his career because of it, and has on numerous occasions let his son down by being drunk.
My toddler wants only to be with one of his parents at a time
Q. I have a two-and-a-half-year-old boy. He is an only child. Both myself and his father are in our early 40s. Sometimes when we are both in the room with him, say the kitchen/ living room, he will ask one of us to leave the room, as in “Go away Mammy/Daddy”, and will slam the door in our face. He will then remain in the room with one of us, if the other person tries to come back into the room he will say, “Get out”. Is this normal?
How do I deal with their mum’s drinking without losing the kids?
Q. You recently wrote about a mother dealing with her ex’s drinking and I wondered how many men are in a similar position. I know I am. Mum drinks at home four or five nights a week, either on her own or with friends. The kids, who are teenagers, are watching this all the time. I protest about it and am told to mind my own business and threatened with separation and/or being thrown out of the house. The kids are now losing patience with it and get very cheeky with their mother when she has had a few drinks.
My 6 year old is overweight, how can i help him?
Q. My six-year-old son has always been a good eater and loves his treats and chocolates (probably a bit more than my other two children). Now with all the focus on childhood obesity, I am worried this might become a problem. He is already a bit overweight compared with his brother, and I want to do my best to avoid this becoming a problem. What is the best way to approach this? I don’t want to make him feel bad or give him a complex about his appearance.
Coping with a fussy eater
Q. Our seven-year-old daughter’s eating habits are causing concern. She is our youngest by six years and, unlike her older siblings, has developed a very limited repertoire of acceptable foods to eat. She resolutely refuses to venture beyond plain pasta and pizza, noodles, chips, cheddar, chocolate ice cream, bread without crusts and smoked salmon. She has never eaten meat or vegetables, and fruit has been limited to a handful of grapes and a couple of apples to date. The consumption of said fruit was an undertaking of marathon proportions.
My son is using cannabis
Q. I think my 17 year old has started using cannabis and I am worried. Last week when I was cleaning his room, I found some of the paraphernalia for smoking cannabis. When I confronted him he went ballistic that I was “searching” his room and then denied he was smoking, before storming off. Since then, he hasn’t spoken to me. I don’t know what to believe. We have caught him using cannabis in the past, about a year ago, and he assured us it was a once-off.
I’m worried my 16 year old is having sex
Q. My 16-year-old son has his first serious girlfriend who is the same age. They seem to be “madly in love” and want to spend every waking hour with each other. This is fine, to a degree, and I remember being in love as a teenager myself, but I am worried that it is all a bit too serious. I am particularly worried that they might have sex and I find myself supervising or chaperoning them when they are in the house to the point that it must be annoying.
Irish Times Seminar with John Sharry ‘Suicide Prevention-What a parent can do?’
My toddler hates getting his hair washed
Q. My son was three last month and he refuses to have his hair washed. He will happily have a bath and loves playing in the water, but once I try to wash his hair he will stand up and scramble to get out of the bath. Usually, I give up trying but his hair becomes so matted that occasionally I force the issue and this ends up in a mess, with his hair half-done and him very upset. I don’t like doing this at all. Is there any way that I can help him to accept or even like having his hair washed?
My child is scared of the bath
Q. My daughter, who is just 11 months old, slipped in the bath the other day and got a scare. I was right there with her at the time so she was fine, just a bit upset. However, now she does not want to get in the bath anymore. I don’t want to force the issue with her, but what can I do to reintroduce the bath to her?
My preschool daughter’s friend is mean
Q: We have a daughter full-time in a creche since she was 14 months old. She will soon be four and she has always been happy there up to the past couple of months. Her “Best Friend” moved up to the Montessori room with her last summer. Coming up to Christmas, there was a period of physical carry-on where my daughter was on the receiving end of occasional slaps and kicks, being hit with toys, etc from Best Friend. At all times the creche stepped in immediately and dealt with it and it phased out fairly quickly.
My son is studying too much!
Q. My son is studying for the Leaving Cert this year. He is a well-motivated student, is keen to do well and has got into a routine of studying every day. Looking in from the outside, you might think that I have nothing to worry about, but the trouble is that I think he might be overdoing the study. Over the past few months he has let most of his extra-curricular activities go and stopped seeing a lot of his friends. We were initially pleased about this but now I notice he is much more stressed and anxious.
My two year old wants me all the time
Q. I have just finished a parenting course and, because of it, I have been giving my children more of my time and attention, and we are having more fun. I have three kids – six years , four years and two and a half years. My problem is with my youngest. He has gone from an independent little boy to one seeking my attention all the time. He follows me everywhere and won’t even stay with his dad. I’ve tried being calm and I try to ignore him when he is hysterical but all he wants is to cling to me. It’s starting to wear me out mentally and physically.
16 year old is very withdrawn and aggressive towards his mum
Q. I am writing to you because I am very concerned about my 16-year-old nephew who seems to have completely withdrawn from the world. His mother is a single parent and is really struggling with him. He spends the whole day in his room playing video games and does not go out or seem to have any friends. He sleeps funny hours and can be up most of the night in his room or watching TV downstairs and then sleeps for hours during the day. In the last school term he missed loads of days at school and seems to have effectively dropped out.
How can I get my 3 year old to be gentle with the new baby?
Q: My three-year-old son can be really aggressive with his little brother (eight months). He seems to get great fun out of upsetting him. It starts out with him being boisterous with his little brother or saying he wants to “play” with him, but then it gets out of hand and I have to intervene. No matter how many times I tell him to stop or to be gentle he still keeps coming back to tease his brother. Lately, I have been worried about leaving the two of them alone in the room together, because when I come back a moment later the baby might be crying.
Alcohol, Drugs and Sex
Thursday 16th May 2013 ‘Helping Children make Good Choices about Alcohol, Drugs and Sex’ IRISH TIMES SEMINAR
Online Bullying
While online social media has revolutionised how we communicate with one another, the fact that it can be used as a forum for personal attacks, intimidation and bullying has been highlighted in recent weeks. Several pertinent questions are raised such as does online social media give rise to a more dangerous form of bullying and what is it about the psychology of online social media that gives rise to bullying in the first place?
My 3 year old won’t stay in his bed at night
Q. We have a three year old who is now sleeping in his own bed but wakes up every night and looks to go to bed with us. We are persistent and bring him to his own bed, but one of us has to sleep next to him until he drifts off – most times we end up sleeping in his bed. How can we resolve this? Because he is not in a cot and sleeps in his own bed he can easily jump out and run into our room. Putting a gate to his bed room door could be an option, but will this go down well?
PARENTING ARTICLES – PRIMARY SCHOOL AGE (5yrs+)
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FEATURE – ‘What to do if you suspect your child is being bullied or is a bully.’
PARENTING ARTICLES – BABIES & PRESCHOOLERS
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HELP WITH BEDTIME/SLEEP
FEATURE – Sleep- Finding a way that works for baby and you
How can i get my children to stay in their own beds at night?
Q: Please can you provide me with some tips for keeping my children in their own beds all night? I have two beautiful girls, a four year old and a two year old, perfect in every way, but the constant sleepless nights and bed hopping is beginning to wear us down. How can we ensure that they sleep all night every night? My two year old has a nap during the day, but even if she didn’t nap she would still wake up during the night. We are dead on our legs during the day, our patience is wearing thin and we desperately seek a full night’s sleep.
My daughter won’t go to sleep without us
Q. My four-year-old daughter won’t settle at night. In the evening she won’t go asleep unless I or her father are lying beside her. If I move away or leave her she comes out after me and can scream if I don’t go back to lie with her. Her screaming seems really heartfelt as if she is genuinely anxious about being left alone.
PARENTING ARTICLES – TEENAGERS
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FEATURE – ‘Navigating the Teenager Storm’
FEATURE – ‘Checking In’ with Your Teen